Man-Rule: Don't Be Stupid, Part II

You know, there are times those of us here at The Man Rules truly fear for the future of our gender. Not because as males, we're genetically programmed to die earlier than females, or because we join nutbar religious extremist groups like ISIS. No, it's because a distressingly large number of males are dumber than a bag of hair.

We've discussed the idiocy of our gender before in the brief history of our little blog, but recent events have caused us to reiterate a very important Man-Rule: Don't Be Stupid.

Let us preface this discussion by saying we've never been a fugitive from the law. So you'll need to take what we're saying here with a grain of salt, because we don't have the benefit of experience to guide us. There WAS that time, when we were five and didn't want to lay down for a nap, that we successfully hid from our mother for 35 minutes by crawling underneath the dining-room table and laying on the cushions of the pushed-in chairs, but that's probably not quite the same thing.

Anyway. We may not have practical experience in this matter, but still, even we know that if you're on the run from the authorities, you shouldn't video yourself participating in a popular social media fundraising event and then post the video on Facebook for all the world to see.

Right now you're probably saying to yourself, "Well, DUH. Who would be that stupid?" Let us introduce you to Jesean Morris, a 20-year-old guy from Omaha, Nebraska.

Jesean, who was wanted for a parole violation after serving a sentence for attempted assault, was apparently moved by the plight of people who suffer from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). He decided to participate in the popular Ice Bucket Challenge, in which people pour ice water over their heads. Somehow this helps raise money for research. We frankly don't understand the details.

Jesean got ice-watered and uploaded his video, probably quite proud of himself for supporting such a worthy cause. Unfortunately for him, he was recognized and authorities were notified. As a fine upstanding citizen who helped raise money for a worthy charity, Jesean took his arrest calmly and in a mature fashion – he first lied to the police about his name and birthday, then when that didn't work, he kicked out a safety partition in the police cruiser and spit on an officer.

As amazing a story as this is, Jesean isn't the most stupid guy we're highlighting today. No, that honor goes to Jesse Helt, a 22-year-old fugitive who appeared on – get ready for this – NATIONAL TELEVISION.

Jesse was at the MTV Video Music Awards as a guest of Miley Cyrus, who, following the instructions from her home planet, asked him to accept an award on her behalf. The award was for the best music video of 2014, and Miley's video "Wrecking Ball" won. Jesse gave a speech on behalf of homeless people. Here's a photo of the two from the event (that's Jesse on the right):

The stupidity here is rich and multilayered:

• "Wrecking Ball" is a terrible song in the first place, and shouldn't be honored for anything.
• Wrecking balls, by definition, don't build anything to help the plight of the homeless.
• If Miley Cyrus hadn't permanently damaged her brain by twerking, she could have already solved the homeless problem in Los Angeles singlehandedly.
• When Jesse is arrested again for parole violation, he will (temporarily) have a home.
• Of the estimated 1.6 million homeless people in Los Angeles, Miley managed to find one who's fairly handsome and has worked in the movie industry.

Naturally, Miley is blaming the media for this travesty. "The media never fails to disappoint. You've chosen to go after Jesse instead of covering the issue of youth homelessness," she said on Twitter. (Side note: If you're following Miley Cyrus on Twitter, you're automatically disqualified from ever becoming a Man.)

So, let's recap some guidelines that I would have THOUGHT were self-evident:

- If you're on the run from the law, don't post videos of yourself on Facebook.

- If you're wanted by the police, don't attend a nationally broadcast television show.

- Stay away from Miley Cyrus.

Tune in next week, when we'll discuss another important Rule: If you're allergic to salt water, don't swim in the ocean.

(c) 2014 John Puckett