Tea honesty is a virtue in Alabama

As many of our loyal 18 readers know, The Man Rules calls Alabama home. We're quite proud of this, despite the fact that right now, at 2:28 p.m. on Sunday, August 23, it's 187 degrees outside and the humidity is approaching 300 percent. For the past three days the air quality ranking has been moved beyond "super deadly dangerous" to a newly created setting: "If you're outside, you're now breathing soup."

But we still love Alabama, and a recent study by the Honest Tea company gave an excellent reason: Alabamians are the most honest people in the country.

As reported by Cliff Sims on Yellowhammer, Honest Tea (honesty? Get it?) sent out a woman to all 50 states and had her ask random strangers: "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Alabamians gave the wrong answer ("Yes") more than any other state's residents.

No, seriously, the Honest Tea company set up kiosks all over the country where their tea was for sale for $1. The kiosks were unattended, so people were on the honor system -- if they put a dollar in the clear lock box when they took a bottle of tea, they were considered honest. Alabamians were honest an astounding 98 percent of the time, which is proof that the Honest Tea folks didn't set up this test anywhere near our politicians.

This is the second year that Honest Tea did this unofficial survey. Last year, Alabama was the most honest state as well, although we were alone at the top then. This year, we share the most-honest award with two other states, Alaska and Hawaii. The least-honest state was New Jersey, where not only did no one pay for the tea they took, they also stole the clear lockbox and extorted money from the Honest Tea company for "protection from undesirables." Then they gathered all the employees of Honest Tea together, coated their shoes in quick-drying cement, and dumped them into the Atlantic Ocean.

The fact that Alabama ranks so highly in the tea test is all the more amazing when you consider how much Alabamians love their tea. Iced sweet tea is almost a religion in this area, ranking right up there with Baptist, lapsed Baptist, Alabama football and NASCAR. If we were going to steal anything that was unattended, a bottle of sweet tea would be high on the list, particularly during the summer, when residents of the sun come here for vacation to cool off.

I don't know how much people in Alaska and Hawaii like sweet tea, but I seriously doubt it approaches the reverence Alabamians feel for this nectar of the gods. I have a strong suspicion that the only creatures who were available to take the test in Alaska were bears, who aren't known for their love of tea. Likewise, in Hawaii, many test subjects were too busy "hanging 10" while "catching a wave" on their "surfboards" and singing "Tiny Bubbles" by Don "Ho" to understand they were being tested in the first place.

So those of us in Alabama are rightfully proud of our ranking as the most honest state in the Union. Anytime you want some honesty, you just come see us.

Although you should probably pack an air-conditioned gas mask if you plan to visit in August.

(c) 2014 John Puckett

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