Do you remember the story of The Amityville Horror? In which a family in New York lived in a house for several weeks while horrifying incidents occurred that almost cost them their sanity and their lives and, worse, made their property values drop?
I'm sure you thought that was just a story, but I'm here to tell you - real life can be much more horrifying than demons possessing a house in New York. Let's face it, in some areas of New York, demon possession would be considered a major home improvement, much like indoor plumbing in Arkansas.
A few weeks ago, I saw this news story about a man in Florida who found a 13-foot albino python in his shed. Yes! In his shed! I'm sure his garden hose is completely traumatized, and Lord knows what the snake was doing to his lawn mower. I thought MY garage was a mess, but apparently this guy has so much junk piled in his shed that a snake three times the size of Al Sharpton can go unnoticed for a while. I can guarantee you I'd notice if a 13-foot-long snake was in my garage; in fact, my neighbors would notice, because the instant I saw the snake I'd scream like a girly man.
The man called the authorities to come remove the snake, and members of the Miami-Dade Fire Rescue Venom Unit got it out. (See below.) Which begs the question: Why would anyone want to live in an area where there's a completely separate emergency department called the "Venom Unit"? That'd be like folks in New York having an Emergency Response Demon Possession Unit. If these types of occurrences are common enough where you live to warrant the creation of government agencies to handle them, you're probably better off moving to Arkansas.
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| Python wrangling in a Florida homeowner's shed |
If you're like me, you're wondering where a 13-foot albino python came from. And this is the really scary part, which is the reason for this Man-Rule: authorities believe it was somebody's pet. One of the members of the Miami Dade Fire Rescue Venom Unit said she thinks it escaped from a home, since albino pythons rarely survive for long in the wild.
I'm having a difficult time imagining this. I mean, how in the world do you not notice that your 13-foot-long albino python isn't in its cage any more? "Melba, have you seen Mr. Huggles? He usually comes slithering up when I shake the can of Python Chow, but I can't find him now."
Lord knows I'm not the world's greatest pet owner, but I think I'd start poking around a bit if I couldn't locate my pet that could conceivably wrap itself around my neck and pop my head off like a party favor. What else might these people own that they can't keep track of? "Ralph, did you leave the top off the piranha aquarium again? I know we had twelve, but I'm only counting three in here now."
I think my favorite part of the news story is a quote from one of the Venom Unit folks, who said that neighbors have reported a couple of rabbits and a cat missing recently "so the snake may be to blame for that." I think that's a safe assumption, don't you? I mean, I doubt the garden hose is responsible.
So: If you have pets, for pete's sake keep up with them, and if they get loose, find them before they wander over to somebody's shed (or even worse, my garage). This goes double for the people who manage Al Sharpton. I don't think either the Demon Possession Unit or the Venom Unit could remove him.
Newsflash!
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(c) 2013 John Puckett
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