From time to time here at The Man Rules, we're going to examine some of the stupider decisions of our gender, in an attempt to avoid making those same mistakes while we simultaneously mock those who are providing the unfortunate example. This is one such time.
Changing your name has become somewhat popular in recent years. It used to be that whatever your parents named you, that was it - you were stuck with that name. Hence the popularity of such songs as Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue" and Ozzy Osbourne's "They Call the Wind Maria."
But at some point (I blame Communists), it became okay to change your name if you didn't like it, or if you didn't feel it adequately represented who you were as a person, or if you had roughly the same IQ as week-old tapioca pudding. I learned of such an instance recently thanks to alert reporter Dylan Stableford (note: that's the name his parents gave him) at Yahoo! News.
Dylan wrote a story about a man who had been arrested in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, because his turquoise minivan was weaving between lanes. The man's name? Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop.
It will come as no shock to you that this is not what his parents named him at birth. His birth name was Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop, but for some reason that just wasn't good enough for him.
No, seriously, his original name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, so as you can see he had no choice but to change it when he was legally able to do so. God knows what sort of heinous torture he endured as a child with a name like "Jeffrey." It's a wonder he wasn't on drugs.
Well, actually, he WAS on drugs. I'm sure you're surprised by this. Police found more than a half-ounce of marijuana in the van when they searched it. Nor was this the first time Beezow was arrested on drug-related charges; he was busted in a Madison, Wisconsin, park in 2012 on similar charges (the actual charge was 10-92, "Walking While Beezowed").
Beezow said in an interview after his 2012 arrest that his name has a deep meaning to himself and the other bowls of tapioca in his social circle. According to the article from Dylan, Beezow said his name represents "the explosion of awareness of the interconnectedness of the infinite love in the universe;" the "struggle of our daily lives with that awareness, that with love comes chaos;" and "the outcome of that struggle, which is often ironic, especially because all life ends in death."
Yes. And you thought Prince was stupid for changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol in 1993. He looks sane by comparison. Beezow didn't come right out and say "I came up with my name after smoking a doobie the size of a mature eggplant," but I think the inference is there.
Look, I can understand sometimes wanting to have a different name. My first name, for example, is slang for a couple of not-very-flattering things: a toilet, and a prostitute's customer. And as several older guys taught me when I was in grade school, my last name has some interesting rhyming qualities. Still, I'm not going to run off and change my name to something weird just to be unusual.
That would be Beezow.
Newsflash!
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(c) 2013 John Puckett
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