Man-Rule: Have a Lot of Money, Part III

Hello there! If you're just joining us, the first question is "Why?" I mean, The Man Rules has been around almost a year at this point. You've missed out on a lot. Take some time to go read this blog from the beginning, so you'll be up to speed. Go ahead. We'll wait.

Finished? Good! Now that we're all on the same page, let's dive back in to our ongoing series: How to Get Lint Out of Your Bellybutton. No, wait, that's next week's series. My bad. Today, we're talking about the most important Man-Rule of all: Have a Lot of Money. We've covered this in a couple of previous posts, which you would know if you actually went back and read the entire blog as I told you to do in the first paragraph. Instead, you just ignored me and kept on reading here. Don't think I didn't notice.

Simple Job #3 to Become Rich: Drug Kingpin

I will admit up front that this option isn’t the best choice for everyone, because it involves a major moral dilemma – namely, moving to Medellin, Colombia. However, if you can get over that moral objection, being a drug kingpin is a pretty sweet gig. I’ve done a tremendous amount of research on this career path by watching Crocodile Dundee II and by reading the Tom Clancy novel Clear and Present Danger. Here are some of the perks of being a drug kingpin:

•    You have more money than many countries.
•    You can kill almost anybody you want.
•    You own walled houses – castles, really – in places like New York City.
•    You have numerous bodyguards and security men. Granted, some of them are about as intelligent as week-old tapioca pudding, but still – bodyguards! How cool is that?
•    Everybody who knows you either respects you or is afraid of you.
•    You usually speak slowly and quietly, with a really cool accent.

Of course, as we saw with the famous movie star and millionaire playboy options, every job has its downside, regardless of how good it looks from the outside. Some of the problems with being a drug kingpin include:

•    You’re basically viewed as scum by everyone in the civilized world. Of course, many of the people in the civilized world use cocaine, so I’m not sure that’s something that will keep you awake at night.
•    An Australian guy in a snakeskin jacket can singlehandedly defeat your entire security team and kill you. If you see this guy sneaking around your walled compound:

just go ahead and give up. Or flee the country. Trust me on this one; trying to fight this guy won't end well for you.

•    Teams of elite U.S. soldiers might infiltrate the Colombian jungle and disrupt your drug processing activities.
•    The CIA might arrange for a new type of bomb made out of paper to be dropped on your house, killing your servants.

So being a drug kingpin isn’t all fun and games. If you do choose this option, I’d recommend two key steps to keep yourself safe:

1)   Don’t go to Australia.
2)   Call the CIA and the U.S. Army early in your career and politely ask, “Please don’t infiltrate the jungles around my drug processing areas or drop a bomb on my house.” Be sure to say “Thank you;” that will let them know you’re one of the nice drug kingpins, not a scumbag. People appreciate little touches like that.

Don't miss the exciting wrapup to our four-part series! It's coming as soon as I figure out what it is.

(c) 2013 John Puckett