In case you haven’t noticed, women have a different way of looking at things. They can step into a room and completely ignore the important and meaningful football game on the television, choosing to focus instead on the trivial and inconsequential details, such as the fact that the baby has managed to turn on the gas logs in the fireplace and is trying to eat the pretty flames. What’s more, they’ll get very upset with you when they start yelling about the danger your child is in and you tell them “That’s how they learn to leave hot things alone.”
One excellent example of how males and females view things differently is an elevator. Guys, as a general rule, see an elevator as a way to avoid taking the stairs. To guys, an elevator is basically a little box that gets you from one floor to another with almost no effort required on the guy’s part, other than pushing a couple of buttons. For this reason, guys tend to view elevators as one of the world’s greatest inventions, a genius-level time- and effort-saver, and thoroughly enjoy riding in them. Sometimes, in tall office buildings, guys will ride the elevators from floor to floor for no reason whatsoever, just to get away from their offices for a while. If you work in a tall office building, and you need to find a male coworker to discuss a project but his secretary says he’s “in a meeting,” go check the elevators – he’s probably there.
Women, on the other hand, are conditioned almost from birth to view elevators as little boxes with no possible way to get out once the doors close, making them excellent places to be killed and/or violated by a male. I can’t prove this, but I believe this outlook gets reinforced during Health class when kids are in the 6th grade. The boys are all herded off to a different room, where they see a slideshow titled “Why Do I Suddenly Have Hair Down There?” The girls, meanwhile, are in a different room watching a 3-D presentation of “GUYS: Fun Things to Boss Around, or Elevator Sex Killers?” That’s why they act differently around guys from that point forward.
The vast majority of women would rather give up a pair of shoes than get into an elevator alone with a strange guy. (Giving up a pair of shoes is a Major Sacrifice for a woman, similar to a guy giving up all his playoff tickets for the next five years.) If you were able to read the minds of two strangers in an elevator, one a guy and one a girl, it would look something like this:
Girl: OhmyGodohmyGod … I knew I should’ve waited for the next elevator. What should I do if he pushes the “stop elevator” button? That sets off an alarm, right? So the security guy will come see what’s wrong ... no, wait, the security guy on duty today is Ralph, and he can’t even haul his fat butt out of his chair on the first two tries. This maniac could have raped me and killed me by the time Ralph was able to get to his feet. Do I have my mace in my purse? Yes, good, I do, that’s right, it’s in that little side pocket … but I left my purse at my desk, because I was only going downstairs to make copies, and that purse doesn’t exactly match these shoes. It’s a close match, but it’s not PERFECT. The purse I needed to match these shoes was $100 more, and my skinflint husband Craig said we couldn’t afford that. So now because he was so desperate to save a few bucks I don’t have my mace with me, and I’m defenseless, and when this guy attacks me I won’t be able to fight him off and he’ll rape me and kill me and I hope Craig feels guilty for the rest of his life because his cheap butt got me raped and murdered in my own office building all so he could save a measly hundred bucks.
Guy: I love this feeling I get in my stomach when the elevator goes up fast. WoooOOOOooo!
So as you can see, elevators are a source of fear and worry for most women. As Men, we need to realize this, and work to help them feel as comfortable as possible should we ever find ourselves alone with a woman in an elevator. The direct approach is often the best, so when the doors close, simply look the woman squarely in the eye and say in a firm, quiet voice, “You know, I’ve never molested or killed a woman in an elevator before.”
She will appreciate your honesty and willingness to set her mind at ease.
(c) 2013 John Puckett
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