Man-Rule: Know How to Grill, Part III

Today we'll finish up the three-part Man-Rule series: Know How to Grill. As you recall, Part I covered the right and wrong tools for grilling, and Part II provided an in-depth discussion of the proper way to prepare meat, and a handy-dandy chart with cooking times for various cuts.

Now that you've mastered the important rules for grilling, I'll share with you my easy-to-use “cheat sheet” - quick tips that will guarantee your next barbecue will be a success, or at least won't require the intervention of the local fire department.

Tip 1: The right amount of lighter fluid can be the difference between a successful barbecue and an embarrassing flop that your neighbors will talk about for years to come. You want to use enough lighter fluid to get the coals burning nice and hot, but not so much that everything within a 20-yard radius of the grill tastes like kerosene. I usually use somewhere between a teaspoon and five gallons.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t try to add lighter fluid to the coals once you’ve lit them, even if it appears they’ve gone out. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Tip 2: Keeping a supply of fresh herbs, such as thyme, basil and coriander, near your grill can help you add just the right amount of zest and spice to your thumb when you burn it.

Tip 3: Keep a spray bottle clearly marked “WATER” near your grill. Secretly fill it with vodka, and take quick sips from it when nobody is looking.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t forget that it’s actually vodka, not water, and absentmindedly spray the vodka on the grill. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Tip 4: You will be able to grill any piece of meat perfectly, from filet mignon to swordfish to chateaubriand, as long as you’re the only person around, and you’re the one eating the food. As soon as anyone else begins to watch you grill or plans to eat with you, the food will become possessed by demons and will be raw on one side and burned on the other.

Tip 5: Always invite a priest over when you’re grilling so he can perform an exorcism on the food and drive out the demons. It won’t work, but it might give your neighbors something to take their minds off the fact their meat is raw on one side and burned on the other.

Tip 6: Enjoy yourself! Keep a radio or CD player near your grill and listen to music while you cook. This can serve two purposes:

1) Using popular songs as timers can let you know when to flip the meat on the grill. Choose a song that’s four minutes long, such as Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

IMPORTANT NOTE: Don't forget that you've invited people over for your barbecue, and absentmindedly start singing and dancing while playing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." Don't ask me how I know this.

2) The noise from the radio or CD player can help drown out the wails of frustration from your family, who will ask you incessantly “Is it ready YET?”

(c) 2012 John Puckett