On of the true attributes of Manliness is knowing when you should exert your power, and when you should control it, contain it. If you're the Emperor of the World, for example, you've got almost limitless power -- you control the fate of the Earth itself. So you shouldn't use your power for trivial stuff, like breaking line at McDonald's. Is there a story behind this, you ask? Of course! Sit down and relax while I spin my tale.
I was standing in line with the rest of the herd at Mickey D's at lunch one day. It was a little more crowded than usual; each line to order was about five people deep. There were three registers on the front counter, but only two are for inside service. How did I know this, you ask? Because of the 8" x 12" laminated sign in front of the third register which read "This register is for drive-thru orders ONLY!!!"
Anyway. Standing in line, standing in line, standing in line. It was taking quite a while, but no big deal; I had a book.
I sensed someone standing to my left, and glanced over. There was a guy at the counter with three kids, and his wife was behind him. At least, I assumed she was his wife; she kept orbiting him. He had taken up station at the register. The register with the sign. The one that said "This register is for drive-thru orders ONLY!!!"
I wondered briefly why the man was standing there. Probably had a problem with his order, or wanted some extra honey-mustard packs, or something. None of my business. I went back to reading my book.
Finally! I got to the counter and placed my order. I looked again to my left after I ordered. Guy was still there. Three kids were still there. Woman was still there. A sixth person had joined the group, standing behind the woman. Didn't seem to be with them; he looked like a construction worker of some sort.
But the guy I first noticed was now affecting my herding ability. In this McDonald's, you placed your order, then moved a step or two to the left of the register. That's where they served your food when it was ready. There was even a helpful laminated mat placed on the counter, with a big "Pick up order HERE" imprint on its far left side. (This McDonald's was big on signs.) The man was standing right in front of that imprint. The guy who placed his order right before me can't herd properly, since the other guy was blocking the end of the cattle chute. I mooed impatiently, but to no avail.
As I was standing there patiently, swatting flies with my tail, the guy leaned over the counter and twitched the sleeve of the girl who took my order.
"Is anybody gonna take our order here?" he asked.
Instantly my bovine senses were on alert. This guy was breaking the Code of the Herd! First he moved to the end of the Chute, and then he started affecting the speed with which the McDonald's girl could fulfill my order! He wasn't supposed do that! I tossed my horns and mooed more strenuously, but he took no notice.
"That's the drive-thru register, sir," the girl answered.
"You need to have a sign, then," he said. "There are a bunch of people in line for this register. You should alternate us in or something."
I looked back. That was true; the line behind him had swelled to approximately five people (not counting his kids and possible wife/satellite). They were chewing cud placidly. They had fulfilled the herd responsibility of Forming a Line.
I looked again at the sign. The sign right in front of the register. The one that said "This register for drive-thru orders ONLY!!!" The sign that was squarely in front of this guy's navel.
The counter girl was quicker on the uptake than I was; she immediately recognized the Emperor of the World. Her actions were swift and decisive -- she turned and tapped the shift manager, and went back to her register.
Shift manager came up. He was obviously tired and harried; it was the middle of the lunch rush. He was filling three orders and balancing sixteen shakes with one hand, while he ran a register with the other. "Yes sir?"
The Emperor spoke. "We've been waiting in line, and no one has taken our order." I mooed in disagreement (softly, but belligerently). There was no line you were waiting in, sporty. You just walked up to the counter and stood in front of the register. The register with the sign. The sign that ... well, you know.
The shift manager looked puzzled. "This is the drive-thru register. It's not for inside orders."
The Emperor did not raise his voice. Another sign of true power, although it was strange, to say the least, to see it being wielded in McDonald's. That should have tipped me off, but I was still in herd mode. And the end of the Chute was still blocked. "I've been standing in line, waiting for someone to take my order," he said.
The shift manager still didn't realize who he was dealing with. "Sir, there hasn't been a line here. I'm on drive-thru; I've been running this register. You can't have been standing in line."
"If this register is for drive-thru, you should have a sign," said the Emperor.
Wordlessly, the shift manager touched the laminated sign. The sign right in front of the Emperor's navel.
"There are a lot of people standing in this line," said the Emperor, still without raising his voice. That was true. Herd members, assuming their Emperor would not be stupid enough to stand in an area without a functioning register, formed up behind him. There was now a line behind the Emperor fully as long as the lines at the other two registers. "I suggest you alternate us in on that register." He pointed to the one in front of which I was still stuck. On account of the Chute being blocked. By him.
The scales suddenly fell from the shift manager's eyes. He had an epiphany; he recognized the august presence who stood before him. Probably never thought he'd have a chance to serve The Emperor of the World. He turned to the counter girl and said "Work these people in." And then went to fulfill his other obligations.
My food arrived at the end of the chute; I picked it up (daring to enter the Sphere of Imperial Influence to do so) and sat down. Wild ideas were running through my mind as I chewed my cud. I didn't even know we had an Emperor of the World! How powerful he was, to alter the plainly stated Laws of McDonald's! How important he was, to not only deem his time more valuable than the others who waited in the proper lines, but to immediately elevate the other Herd Members who unknowingly got into line behind him and who ended up getting served faster than they should have! How lucky we all were that he has reproduced, so that his offspring could carry on the Imperial Way!
Ultimately, however, my wayward and disconnected brainwaves distilled into three crystal-clear thoughts as I drove back to my stall ... uh, office:
1) The Emperor of the World was not as tall as I'd thought he would be.
2) His more ardent followers will be distressed to learn that he apparently can't read.
3) I should have gored him.
(c) 2012 John Puckett
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