Man-Rule: Don't Wear Baseball Caps Backwards

Long ago, cavemen struggled to find a way to keep the sun out of their eyes. This was a major problem when they went out hunting dinosaurs, because with the sun shining in their eyes they couldn’t see that the dinosaurs had all been killed by Strom Thurmond millions of years before. The cavemen solved this problem in a very ingenious way – they took large leaves and used vines to tie them onto their heads in such a way that a long section of the leaf stuck out over their faces, creating a shady cover for their eyes. This allowed them to lay back and take naps during the heat of the day, when they were supposed to be out hunting dinosaurs.

Many years later, they realized how stupid they looked when they wore leaves on their heads, so they invented the baseball cap.

The point is, a baseball cap is very well designed to protect the wearer’s head and face from the searing rays of the sun. That’s the entire purpose of the way the cap is made – the bill of the cap is specifically engineered to provide a shady area for the eyes, so today’s baseball players aren’t blinded when they’re hunting dinosaurs and can comfortably nap at any point during a day game. The Chicago Cubs, for example, have mastered this napping technique, and as a result are the most well-rested baseball team in history, although it tends to cause their win-loss record to suffer.

And yet many people, primarily young guys, insist on turning their baseball caps around backwards, so that the bill of the cap hangs down over their neck. This does absolutely nothing except make the wearer look even stupider than a caveman with big leaves tied on his head.

(On a semi-related note: Sunglasses, as their name would suggest, are designed to shade your eyes from the sun. Wearing them indoors or at night makes you appear less intelligent than a week-old slice of kumquat. I see celebrities wearing their sunglasses at the wrong times or in the wrong places more than anybody else, but because some celebrities do it, goofballs tend to follow suit. Don’t do it.)

 I have yet to encounter someone who wears a baseball cap backwards who can give me a rational explanation for why they do this. Here’s a sample of the answers I’ve gotten when I ask them “Why are you wearing your hat backwards?”:

• “It looks cool.”
• “I don’t like the way the bill sticks out.”
• “The sun doesn’t bother me.”
• “Why do you care how I wear my hat?”

Let’s examine these reasons individually, and provide the obvious logical rebuttals:

It looks cool.
No it doesn’t.

I don’t like the way the bill sticks out.
Wear a beanie.

The sun doesn’t bother me.
Then why are you wearing a hat in the first place?

Why do you care how I wear my hat?
Because, despite the goofy appearance you’re projecting, I still dream of the day when all guys will become Men. I know, it’s a long shot; the odds are stacked against me, and frankly, there are days when I despair of ever seeing my dream come to fruition. But I press on, persevering, believing in my heart that one day all males WILL be actual Men, that women will automatically respect us just because of who we are, that we, as a gender, will assume our rightful place among the pantheon of immortals, that our contributions and sacrifices will be recognized and honored for their importance.

And then I see guys like this idiot:

and I realize I'm a fool.

Edit, Update, and Newsflash (6/10/13):

Based on a couple of recent comments to this post, I've added more information on this Man-Rule; you can see the update here.

Yet Another Edit, Update and Newsflash (7/15/13):

This Man-Rule, and 49 others (many of which haven't been published elsewhere!), are available in the newly published e-book The Man Rules. Don't be the last on your block to own this soon-to-be international bestseller! Act now, quantities are limited! To preview the book (and possibly buy! Buying is good!), just click here.

(c) 2012 John Puckett