Man-Rule: Don't Take a Job You're Not Qualified to Do, Part VI - The College Football Edition

Greetings and salutations, college football fans! We’re just over halfway through the 2015 college football season, so it’s time to take a quick look back at three outstanding failures thus far in our favorite fall pastime. These failures highlight, once again, the importance of the Man-Rule “Don’t Take a Job You’re Not Qualified to Do.”

We’ve highlighted this Man-Rule a number of times previously; in fact, the very first installment of this Man-Rule was inspired by a 2012 incident involving replacement officials in the National Football League who couldn’t decide if a pass was incomplete, intercepted, or a game-winning touchdown.

So, here we go:

1)      If you’re going to mock your rival with your marching band, don’t involve sexual acts.

Since the invention of the marching band (credited to musical pioneer Joe Marchingband), several things have been considered taboo, such as:
·         Including a grand piano.

·         Running out of lip balm.
·         Creating a formation that looks like a Jayhawk is engaged in oral sex.

Sadly, Kansas State band director Frank Tracz forgot that last item, and so during a halftime show on September 5, the Kansas State band (“Pride of Wildcat Land”) arranged itself into what was supposed to be the Kansas mascot, a Jayhawk, engaged in battle with the Starship Enterprise. One has to wonder what Frank was ingesting when he came up with the idea for this formation.

I hope I’m not spoiling the ending by telling you the Enterprise defeated the Jayhawk. You probably suspected that outcome, since the Enterprise has phasers and photon torpedoes, and the Jayhawk has a loud “CAW!” as its primary weapon. The problem, though, was the WAY the Enterprise won. It didn’t use phasers OR photon torpedoes; rather, it defeated the Kansas Jayhawk by ramming itself into the bird’s open beak.

Now, I watched a lot of Star Trek when I was younger, but I don’t remember the Enterprise defeating an alien by ramming into it. What made matters worse was the formation itself. While the band students tried mightily to create an outline of a Federation starship, many people saw something different as the simulated battle took place … namely, a giant bird engaged in fellatio.

Here’s the best part: On September 5, when the band created this formation, Kansas State wasn’t playing Kansas – they were playing South Dakota. Apparently, in addition to no spatial skills, Frank can’t read a calendar, either.

2)      If you’re an official with the Big XII Conference, just give up.

This wasn’t the only failure involving Kansas State so far in the college football season. You have to figure K-State angered the football gods somehow. Maybe the football gods are Star Trek fans.
At least this episode wasn’t the fault of K-State. It was on the Big XII Conference officials – both on and off the field.

On October 3, K-State was playing Oklahoma State. Late in the second quarter, Oklahoma State was awarded a first down, even though they didn’t make it. And it wasn’t one of those situations where it was thiiiiiiiiis close and the officials made a judgment error. No, in this case, the officials missed it by FOUR YARDS.

 My favorite part, though, came after the game, once officials in the Big XII office realized their goofball referees had screwed up. “We’re ALWAYS having to cover for our incompetent officials,” they griped. “Can’t they do ANYTHING right? We better issue an apology and cover for them.” Which they did. And, in one of the best examples of goofballness we’ve ever seen, they made not one, but TWO spelling mistakes, in a two-paragraph statement apologizing for mistakes.

Let me quote from the statement, which you can read here; we’ve taken the liberty of pointing out the mistakes:

"After the 10-yard penalty was marked off, moving the ball back to the OSU 45, the chains were mistakingly set for the yard-to-gain.

"Accurracy and adherence to Conference policies and officiating mechanics are vital to the proper administration of the rules in all games," said Anderson.

Oh, Big XII. You give us such joy. And apparently 91 percent of the world’s supply of stupidity.

3)      If you’re going to report on the game, you should, you know, actually watch the game.
This tidbit will shock you, because it DOESN’T come from the Big XII. On October 17, Michigan and Michigan State played their annual rivalry game. Michigan was ahead 23-21 with ten seconds to go, and all they had to do was punt the ball away to win the game. It didn’t work.

But that’s not the mistake we’re focusing on here. The muffed punt was understandable, if heartbreaking to Michigan fans. No, what prompted the reference to this Man-Rule was local reporter Jamal Spencer of ABC affiliate WZZM-13 in Ann Arbor. Jamal left the game just before the final play to set up for his live shot for the local news, and as a result he filed one of the greatest wrong stories in the history of journalism.

Everything turned out all right for Jamal, though; the next day, he reported on the Jayhawk’s victory over the USS Enterprise, and right after that he was hired by the Big XII Conference as vice-president in charge of public relations. And then he became an official in the ACC, and he worked the Duke-Miami game. So all's well that ends well.

(c) 2015 John Puckett

 

Jamal Spencer hasn't read The Man Rules! Don't be like Jamal!

 

Not only has Jamal not read this groundbreaking book ... NO OTHER OFFICIAL who worked the Duke-Miami game, including the replay-booth guy and the clock operator, has even HEARD of it! Don't be like them ... buy this book today! Study it, learn it, and never make mistakes like the ones noted above again!

 

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