Man-Rule: Don’t Use Drugs

We blame ourselves, really. It’s our fault.

We’re speaking, of course, of the recent problems D’Iaontie Dee Lewis had in West Virginia. D’Iaontie desperately wanted to sing Justin Bieber songs to children at two different schools, and wound up getting arrested as a result.

D'Iaontie Dee Lewis -- Bieber fan, ganja expert

This will shock you, but D’Iaontie was apparently under the effects of marijuana at the time. Why else would a grown man want to sing Justin Bieber songs?

According to a story written by Erin Beck at the Charleston Gazette-Mail, D’Iaontie first wandered into Dunbar Middle School in Charleston, West Virginia, around 8:45 a.m. on Tuesday, October 26. He walked into the office, interrupting the morning announcements being made over the intercom, and asked to sing Justin Bieber’s “As Long As You Love Me” to the students. The principal quite rightly refused. Now, if D’Iaontie had asked to sing something GOOD, like Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” then I think we can all agree that the principal should have immediately handed the microphone to him, and also offered to sing the backup harmony as well. But that’s what marijuana can do to you – it destroys your taste in music.

Anyway. The police were called, and D’Iaontie was cited for possession of marijuana (of COURSE he had it with him! If he left it at home, some crazy Justin Bieber wanna-be could break in and steal it!), and was transported to a local hospital for observation. Apparently as part of their observational protocol the hospital staff observed that he had no insurance and therefore wasn’t going to be a profitable case for them, because they released him a short while later.

Now, if YOU had been humiliated, questioned by police, cited for drug possession, and then transported to a hospital, what would you do with the rest of your day? Go home and crawl into a fetal position under a blanket and watch Thundercats reruns, right? You would be too mortified to go out in public for at least 24 hours.

That’s because you have at least as much sense as God gave to a bowl of tapioca pudding. D’Iaontie, though, was not encumbered with an overabundance – or even a modicum – of self-awareness. Either that, or he had a HUM-DINGER of a marijuana buzz going on.

At roughly 2:15 p.m. that same day, D’Iaontie ambled into the Kiddie Kollege Daycare and asked to speak to the children “as Justin Bieber.” He also said he was Jesus.

Now, I have no idea what religion you profess, but I will go out on a limb and say there are no organized belief systems in the world today that see Justin Bieber and Jesus as the same entity. And if there are any, I don’t want to know about them.

This time, the police decided D’Iaontie was a little more whackadoodle than the law allows, so he was arrested. He was arraigned late that afternoon.

Why is this our fault, you ask? Because, although we have discussed the hazards of performance-enhancing drugs, and we have indirectly referenced the stupidity that can result from partaking of the devil’s lettuce, aka Mary Jane, aka wacky weed, aka ganja, aka wacky terbacky, aka baby bhang, aka cannabis, aka magic smoke … although we have covered these perils, we never have come right out and said “Don’t Use Drugs.” So we’re officially on record now.

And for God’s sake, don’t sing Justin Bieber songs. 

(c) 2015 John Puckett

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