Man-Rule: Don't Be the Hare

Remember the classic fable "The Tortoise and the Hare"? Where the tortoise and the hare race, and the hare beats the tortoise because he's so much faster, and proceeds to mock the tortoise for the next 12 years until the tortoise gets tired of it and buys an AK-47 and shoots the hare 287 times while screaming "Who's faster now, huh? WHO'S FASTER NOW? Say hello to my little friend!"

No, wait, that's not right ... that's what happened in the classic movie "The Scarface and the Hare." My bad.

Anyway, in the original fable, the tortoise beats the hare in a race, despite the fact that the hare is so much faster, because the hare stopped at various points during the race to have a snack, take a nap, and attempt to understand the U.S. tax code. Meanwhile, the tortoise just plodded along, never giving up, the very image of perseverance, until he found a rocket-booster jet pack in the woods and strapped it on, passed the hare, and won the race.

Until recently, this was the best example of this particular Man-Rule we could find. Until, that is, a track-and-field athlete from Oregon (whose mascot is a duck, which is profoundly stupid, if you ask us) provided a real-life reenactment of the fable.

Tanguy Pepiot was competing in the men's steeplechase race at the Pepsi Team Invitational. (And there's another sentence we never thought we'd actually type during our lifetimes. Our bucket list keeps getting smaller by the day.) The steeplechase, in case you didn't know, is a rather long race, more than 47 hectares by modern reckoning, in which people have to jump over hurdles and into mud puddles.

Anyway, Tanguy was in the lead, and as he neared the finish line, he thought he'd just take a moment to enjoy his victory. He also wanted the crowd to cheer him on, so he started waving at them to get involved. And then ... well, just watch:

Have you ever seen anything so heartbreaking? So humbling? So awesomely wonderful? I mean, here's this guy who represents a team full of ducks, who has probably trained his whole life for this event, at the supreme moment of victory, who lets his pride and stupidity get in the way of actually winning, which was the entire goal of the race in the first place. 

Our favorite part is just before he crosses the finish line, when he looks on the big video screen at the end of the stadium and realizes the hare (portrayed, in an understated yet powerful way, by Washington's Meron Simon, who will likely win an Oscar for this role) is about to pass him. The look on Tanguy's face at that point is priceless. In a split-second, it goes from "Woohoo, look at me, I'm a fast duck, and you all should love me" to "Oh, excrement!" 

We don't see what happens to Tanguy once the event is completely over. If he was lucky, Meron grabbed an AK-47 and shot him 287 times, so he wouldn't have to live with the embarrassment of knowing that he was wearing pink shoes in public. 

So, Men, always remember this Man-Rule, and in particular these key points:

- Never race a tortoise.

- If you do, make sure the tortoise doesn't have access to automatic weapons.

- You can rearrange the letters in "Tanguy Pepiot" to spell "A Putty Pigeon." 

- Never run a race in pink shoes.

(c) 2015 John Puckett

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