As we've mentioned once or twice here at The Man Rules, we're big Alabama football fans. Nothing makes us happier than beating a rival team into the dirt, spitting on them, and then kicking them for good measure. Figuratively, of course. (Not really.)
Yesterday was the annual game against the University of Tennessee football team. Their nickname is the "Volunteers," because all the other good nicknames (like the Tigers, the Trojans, the Big-Whiskered Catfish, and the Beverly Hillbillies) were already taken.
Anyway, there's always some good-natured ribbing between the fanbases. My Aunt Hazel, who was a fantastic woman and probably my favorite relative even though she was a Tennessee fan, sent me a package in the mail many years ago when Tennessee beat Alabama. It was the entire Sunday sports section of a Tennessee newspaper, and of course it was all about the Tennessee win. She also enclosed a brief note to me: "Thought you'd like to see the coverage of the Vols great win. I know you're an Alabama fan, so get your mother to read it to you." I was 15 at the time, and I just laughed and laughed at her little joke. I was only mildly upset that Mom wouldn't drive me the four hours to Aunt Hazel's house so I could spraypaint it crimson.
Tennessee fans like to claim that Alabama's football program cheats a lot, because they can't figure out any other way that a team could be able to win so much. Certainly THEY had to cheat when THEY were winning, so the figure when OTHER teams win, they must be cheating too. Alabama fans, in return, like to point out that if you were to go to a football game at Neyland Stadium (Tennessee's home field) during a game and counted the fans' teeth, you might get into double digits. Plus the only other group of people who wear the same color as Tennessee's sports uniforms (day-glow orange) is convicted criminals.
Anyway, Alabama had won the last six games against Tennessee by an average score of something like 49 to 3, and most fans figured this year would be no different. Tennessee, though, was coming off a win against the South Carolina Gamecocks (official cheer: "Go Cocks!"), and the fans were feeling pretty optimistic about their chances.
One lumber company in the Knoxville area (which is where the University of Tennessee is located) went so far as to poke some "good-natured fun" at the Alabama team and its coach, Nick Saban, by putting a message to Saban on its sign. True to form, though, they didn't do it quite right:
Naturally, you've already spotted the problems with this. First of all, how does a lumber company in Knoxville stay in business? Everybody knows that all the homes in Knoxville are trailers (the fancy ones are double-wides). There's not much use for lumber when you own a trailer. I think maybe this company sold itself the lumber for the sign, and that's how they're staying afloat.
Second, the sign is ambiguous. "Dear Mr. Saban, Your next." Saban's next what? His next game? His next national championship? His next victory over Tennessee? This is the problem with Volunteer fans. They're so hard to understand. At least when they're talking you know why you can't understand them -- it's all those missing teeth that make it difficult for them to pronounce words properly. I'm at a loss to explain how missing teeth would make one write in incomplete sentences, though.
Finally, of course, is the problem of taunting your upcoming opponent when that opponent has beaten your team six straight times, and won the last two national championships in football. Alabama has lost five games in the past five years, and none of those losses were to Tennessee. So, as the old saying goes, "Don't count your wild oats until the hay is hatching in the barn."
And, just in case any employees or owners of Witt Lumber Company are reading this, you should know that Alabama beat Tennessee Saturday for the seventh straight time, by a score of 45-10. In case you're not familiar with football scores, let me give you an idea of how bad of a beating that is: It's a VERY bad beating.
In closing, let me leave the Volunteer fans with one uplifting message ... as it says in the Bible (Third Thessalonians, Chapter 3, verse 19): Roll Tide.
(c) 2013 John Puckett
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