Hello there again! Sorry it's been so long between posts here at The Man Rules. We've been busy with work, and kids, and life, and things in general. We'll try to be more punctual in the future about adding new Rules and observations. Those of you who were calling in bomb threats and on the verge of jumping off ledges, you can calm down now.
So! Let's get back to a topic that I'd hoped we'd left behind us for a while: Making stupid radio ads. This one is a two-fer, in part because we feel badly about taking so long to provide an update, and partly because advertising executives are stupider than three-day-old vanilla pudding.
Just when you thought it was safe to cut your radio back on, the weirdos at the Alabama Men's Clinic have come up with another doozy of a stupid ad. We've already noted their terrible ads once before, but they're back at it again.
Like before, their new ad features a woman calling the Alabama Men's Clinic on behalf of her mate (or "her man," as she refers to him). One gets the sense that the Alabama Men's Clinic talks to a lot more women than men. Maybe it's actually a front for desperate men to meet women over the phone.
Anyway, in this new ad, the woman calls, and a man named Brian answers. After Brian tells her his name (an action which she doesn't reciprocate; apparently Brian is striking out on meeting this particular woman), she says, "Hi, Brian. My man can't perform. Is it me?" (The women in these ads are always incredibly direct.)
Brian, having spent a grand total of two seconds talking with this nameless woman on the phone, immediately diagnoses the problem. "Okay, first of all, it's NOT you," he says. Which bugs me. How does Brian KNOW it's not her? Maybe she's taking to wearing sardine-encrusted underwear. Maybe she has started rubbing Spam all over her body. Brian doesn't know this, but he apparently doesn't care. Brian clearly is trying to butter her up in an effort to learn her name.
And it's not enough that this lady is going to complain about HER man's inability to get past her sardine and Spam peccadilloes; she's going to talk about OTHER people, too. "My friend says her man doesn't last 10 minutes. Can you help her?" Right -- let's ignore the poor guy who's inadequacies are being broadcast to the greater metropolitan area via this ad, because clearly it's all about the woman.
And then, after Brian has blathered on about how the Alabama Men's Clinic can help any man regardless of age, ability, gender, or status as a living organism, the woman utters what has to be the most unintentionally hilarious line ever recorded in an ad: "Sounds great! Now, how do I get him in?" Lady, think about it ... if you could get him in, you wouldn't be calling the Alabama Men's Clinic, now would you?
Now let's switch gears a minute, to talk about ANOTHER stupid ad. This one is for a beer -- I think Coors Light. I'm not entirely sure. I don't usually pay much attention to beer ads, since I don't drink, but this one has a line that may be even stupider than the Alabama Men's Clinic ad. (Maybe. I dunno, though; they've set the bar pretty high.)
Anyway, in this beer ad, the announcer is talking about the tremendous attributes of the beer -- how its amazing taste and overwhelming beerness can help you forget that your crazy wife has once again slathered herself with sardines and has called the Alabama Men's Clinic. In between the announcer's rhetoric, they have audio clips of actual guys enjoying this beer and talking about it. And one of the audio clips features a man saying (and I quote): "That's the coldest beer I've ever had."
Seriously? That's how you're trying to sell your beer? By talking about its temperature? Maybe, being a non-drinker, I don't understand this facet of beer. But isn't the coldness of the beer something that the beer itself doesn't contribute to? Couldn't you put ANY beer in the freezer or something and have it be just as cold as any other beer? I'm at a loss as to why this would be a selling point of a particular beer.
It's obvious to me that the people who make the Alabama Men's Clinic ads are the same ones who make the cold-beer ad. At least I HOPE that's the case; otherwise there are at least TWO ad agencies out there whose creative departments are morons.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm heading to the kitchen. I've developed a strange craving for Spam.
(c) 2013 John Puckett
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