It's been almost a year since we started The Man Rules, and it's high time that I shared with you the most important Man-Rule of all: Have a Lot of Money.
"But John," you ask, "if it's so important, why haven't you shared it with us before now?" A fair question. Not a GREAT question, as we'll see in a moment, but a fair one. The truth is, I wanted to make sure you'd stick with me through the good times and the bad before posting this Rule. A real Man doesn't just show up at the Dinner Table of Life and expect to enjoy the Dessert of Happiness. No, he knows that first he has to endure the Salad of Loss, the Appetizer of Destruction, the Liver and Onions of Disappointment, the Mashed Potatoes of Crushed Dreams, and the Dinner Roll of Despair. Then, and only then, can he enjoy the Dessert of Happiness (which is Mayfield Turtle Tracks Ice Cream, in case you were wondering).
Why is this Rule so important? Because being rich automatically confers Manhood upon you. You can ignore all the other Rules. So if you’re already rich, congratulations! You’re a Man!
“How rich is rich?” you ask. “How much money do I have to have to be rich?” While standards of wealth vary from country to country, I would conservatively estimate that you’d need at least one hundred kajillion dollars. Your goal should be to emulate the character of Granny in the 1953 Merrie Melodies cartoon “Hare Trimmed,” wherein Granny throws bundles of money onto the fire in her parlor to keep warm.
“Okay,” you may say, “but I’m not rich. How can I become rich?” To which I say, “You’re starting to annoy me with all these questions. Next you’ll want to have a long talk about where our relationship is going.”
However, I can understand your frustration – I tell you the single most important Rule to follow to become a Man, and you don’t see a way to accomplish it. Therefore, I’ve created a short list of a few simple jobs you can undertake to become rich quickly. The first is listed below, and the others will follow in subsequent posts.
Simple Job #1 to Become Rich: Famous Movie Star
Famous movie stars, like George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Kermit the Frog, routinely make upwards of $10 million per movie. Now I know $10 million doesn’t go as far as it used to, but if you make six or seven movies and are careful, you can live off that for the rest of your life.
Jack Nicholson may have set the record for the most money made on a single movie, when way back in 1989 he negotiated a percentage of the profits of the first Batman movie as part of his salary. After all the money from ticket sales, movie rentals, popcorn sales, and action-figure sales was totaled up, it topped more than $2 billion, and Jack thought he would take home around $60 million. Due to studio accounting practices, though, he actually wound up owing the producers $34.97. He’s still bitter about it, so don’t bring it up the next time you’re around him.
Coming up next: Simple Job #2. Stay tuned!
(c) 2013 John Puckett
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