Man-Rule: Never Stick an Eel Up Your Butt

You know, when I started writing my book two years ago on the Rules every Man should follow, there were certain things I thought I'd never have to discuss. Not due to any squeamishness on my part, but just because they're self-evident.

Apparently, I was a fool.

So I guess in a way it's my fault that I didn't cover this Man-Rule previously, although I think the publishing industry also bears much of the blame, since they've not seen fit at this point to offer me a million-dollar contract to publish The Man Rules. Until that day comes, though, it's my duty to share this Rule: Never Stick an Eel Up Your Butt.

"Seriously?" you ask. "This needs to be a Rule? Doesn't common sense pretty much cover this?"

Sadly, no. In China, a man was hospitalized recently when he stuck a live swamp eel up his butt, and then couldn't get it out. This raises several questions in my mind:

1) WHY?

Okay, so really it just raises one question in my mind, but I think that one question covers pretty much everything about this situation. I do like the way the writer of that story (who is only identified as "Metro News Reporter," because otherwise all the other guys in the newsroom would call him the Eel-Butt Beat Guy) goes out of his way to note that the man who stuck the eel up his butt was unmarried. As if that was really in question. I can't remember the last time I asked my wife if I could stick an eel up my butt and she said "Yes."

I'm also tickled, in a very juvenile way, by the stock photo of a swamp eel they found to help illustrate the story. Here it is:

 

 

Just look at his expression. That eel is thinking, "This morning I was swimming along in my swamp, not a care in the world. This afternoon, paramedics had to remove me from a Chinese man's heinie. How did everything go so wrong so fast?"

 

A real Man is kind to animals. Part of that kindness is not sticking them up your butt. Don't do it.

 

(c) 2013 John Puckett