It's the Super Bowl! Woohoo.

I can't be the only Man who isn't thrilled about the Super Bowl.

I'll probably watch part of it, just because it's the last football game until August, but my Sunday evening isn't going to revolve around it. One of the local stations always uses Super Bowl Sunday to show 24 hours of The Andy Griffith Show reruns from 50 years ago, and odds are I'll spend more time watching that than I will the Super Bowl.

Part of it is the incessant hype. It's physically impossible for any game to live up to the media-generated frenzy for the Super Bowl. Part of it is the stupid commercials (and here I'm thinking specifically of the KFC or Kentucky Fried Chicken or whatever they're called nowadays commercial, in which a little blond woman attempts to look all street and tough by glaring into the camera and saying her bucket of chicken "go boom"). Part of it is knowing at the end of the game, I'll hear either Colin Kaepernick or Joe Flacco say they're going to DisneyWorld, when by all rights it should be ME going to DisneyWorld. Part of it is being sick and tired of hearing about the Harbaugh brothers. Part of it is wondering who Lennay Kukua would be rooting for, if she were real.

But mostly, it's because I just don't care. Call me a strong-willed rebel with steely yet warm brown eyes and an incredibly chiseled physique if you must, but the Super Bowl just doesn't matter to me. I have no vested interest in the game one way or the other. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to choose, I'd probably say I'm pulling for Baltimore, but darned if I know WHY.

If you insist on watching the game, look for the following things:

• At least 12 instances of a third-down being called "crucial" for either the offense or the defense
• A minimum of 16 references to Colin Kaepernick not being the starter until late in the season
• Multiple closeups of Ray Lewis as he plays his last professional football game
• Zero closeups of the family of the person who was killed when Ray Lewis was charged with impeding the murder investigation
• 432 references to Jim and John Harbaugh being brothers, even though everyone on earth, including people in Kuala Lumpur who don't own a television, already knows this

Me, I'll be looking for the remote control. Maybe they'll show that Andy Griffith episode when Opie has to take care of the baby birds. That's a good one.

(c) 2013 John Puckett