A few days ago, I wrote a post about the stupidity of including instructions on a bag of mesquite chunks, because really, if you need instructions on how to burn wood, you're not a Man.
That got me to thinking about grilling in general, and it occurred to me just how integral grilling is to Manhood. When it comes to Men and cooking, nothing is more sacred than the grill. Oh, you may be able to whip up a perfect soufflé in record time, or bake a quiche that is to die for, but that’s pretty far down the Manliness scale. (Those particular talents, in fact, have actually been graphed on the Manliness scale; they come right before knowing all the words to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” and right after being able to get pregnant. If you get my drift.)
No, the real gauge of a Man when it comes to food preparation is being able to grill correctly.
Now, some Men will go so far as to say you should first personally kill whatever it is you’re planning to grill. I myself don’t hold to that belief, but if you choose to interpret things that way, be my guest. There are many Men who love to go hunting, kill an animal, and then grill it up for supper, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve reached the point in my Manliness where stalking and killing my food before I grill it just doesn’t hold much challenge for me any more. Maybe it’s because my grilling meats of choice are beef, chicken and pork. You don’t win many Manliness points when your hunting stories contain phrases like “stalking the chicken” or “So I carefully drew a bead on the cow with the scope of my .30-06 rifle …”
So over the next few days we'll take a look at the important Man-Rule: Knowing How to Grill. Feel free to take notes.
The key to fantastic grilling is to get your grill good and hot. How hot is hot enough? Your goal should be to get the grill so hot that it glows red on the outside, and it’s physically impossible to approach closely enough to actually put the meat on the grill. You want the grill so hot that it burns off the hair on your arms when you’re still inside your house. You want the grill so hot that women will be unable to determine which is hotter, your grill or Brad Pitt. You want the grill so hot that orbiting Martians will read the heat signature on their infrared scopes and conclude your backyard must be a nuclear weapons storage facility. In other words, the grill must be HOT.
I’ve included below some visuals to help you determine the appropriate attire and implements to use when your grill is hot enough:
Wrong apron:
Right apron:
Wrong tongs:
Right tongs:
Wrong spatula:
Right spatula:
Once you have the appropriate grilling tools, it's time to properly prepare your meat. And because I know you're snickering to yourself about the phrase "prepare your meat," I'm going to stop here until you can get yourself under control. We'll continue this discussion next time.
(c) 2012 John Puckett
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