Man-Rule: Grunt a Lot at the Gym

When you go to the gym, you’ll be surrounded by highly trained, dedicated athletes, giving their all to push themselves to the absolute limits of human endurance and beyond. In addition to the women in the spin classes, though, you’ll also be around guys and Men who go to the gym primarily to grunt at each other.

For some reason, grunting has become the most-used form of communication between males at the gym, surpassing even texting (although a disconcertingly large number of guys do this at the gym, as well, which makes them look like nerdy little weenie brothers who are just waiting for their big brother to finish his workout so he can drop them off at the Verizon Wireless store. Come to think of it, maybe that’s what they really are.). Men grunt when they lift a weight, they grunt when they put the weight back down, they grunt as they’re getting settled into a weight machine or on a weight bench, and they grunt when they experience a hernia so large it looks like they’re giving birth to a walrus through their navel.

I have to be honest with you – I can’t usually decipher the grunts Men produce at the gym. I may be Manly, but apparently I’m not that Manly. I have to watch them and use the visual cues to help me understand their language:

Very Large Man 1 (gesturing at a weight bench): Gruntgrunt?

Translation: Are you using this?

Very Large Man 2 (shaking his head, and waving his hand side-to-side) Grunt. Grunt.

Translation: No. You go ahead.

Very Large Man 1 (settling onto the bench, getting himself situated to lift the weight): Grunt?

Translation: Do you mind spotting me while I lift?

Very Large Man 2 (positioning himself behind the bench, near the weight bar): Grunt.

Translation: Happy to oblige, my good man.

Very Large Man 1 (seeing the participants of the women’s spin class, dressed in tight leotards and daintily dabbing sweat off their brows, leave the exercise room across the way): GRUNT.

Translation: My word, those ladies are quite attractive.

Very Large Man 2: Gruntgruntgrunt.

Translation: You are very observant, my friend. I agree with you.

Very Large Man 1 (sadly): Grunt … grunt.

Translation: It’s a shame the years of steroid abuse to which I have subjected my body have left me with a tiny, shriveled penis, similar in size and appearance to the worm in the bottom of a tequila bottle.
                                                                                                                            (c) 2012 John Puckett