Man-Rule: Don't Call in to Sports-Talk Radio Shows, Part III

So the much-anticipated culmination of the sports-talk radio trilogy is finally here. Previously, we've talked about guys who don't understand the radio delay, and guys who apparently couldn't put two thoughts together if you gave them instructions and a whole tube of super glue. Today, we're finishing up our explanation of why Men shouldn't call in to sports-talk radio shows by taking a look at guys who take any criticism whatsoever of their favorite sports team as a direct personal insult against themselves, their religion, and their mama's apple pie.

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I live in Alabama, which is a wonderful place to live, especially if you love college football. Unfortunately, it also means that out of every hour of sports-talk radio programming, approximately 59 minutes is taken up by Alabama and Auburn fans using the radio as a way to argue with each other. And this isn't just during football season; it goes on ALL YEAR LONG.

Here's a made up (but might as well be completely true) sample of sports-talk radio in Alabama in, for example, March. Doesn't matter what year. Doesn't matter what month, for that matter; this pattern (or variations of it) repeates itself ad infinitum.

Host: Jim in Montgomery, you’re on the air.

Jim: Thanks for taking my call, Al. I’d just like to say BAMA SUCKS! (click)

Host: Okay, thanks for that, Jim. Let’s go to Ralph in Calera.

Ralph: Yeah, Al, you tell Jim for me that AUBURN SWALLOWS! (click)

Host: I can see today’s show is going to be another award-winner. Who’s up next … Tammy, in Rockford.

Tammy (who is apparently incapable of saying anything without screeching like a banshee): I TELL YOU WHAT THEM BAMMERS ARE GONNA LOSE EVER’ GAME THEY PLAY THIS YEAR AND AUBURN IS GONNA WIN THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP AGIN YOU JUST WAIT CAM NEWTON IS GONNA COME BACK AND FINISH HIS COLLEGE CAREER AND AIN’T NOTHIN’ GON’ STOP AUBURN FROM BEATIN’ BAMMER’S ASS!

Host: Tammy, you know Alabama beat Auburn 42 to 14 this year, and Cam Newton is in the pros, right? He can’t play college football any more.

Tammy: IT DON’T MATTER NONE THAT’S IN THE PAST AND BAMMERS ALWAYS LIKE TO LIVE IN THE PAST WE’RE FOCUSED ON THE FUTURE AND BAMMER SUCKS!

Host: Well, that’s one way of looking at it. Jim in Montgomery has called again; Jim, you’re up.

Jim: Yeah, Al, I was wondering – do you have Tammy’s phone number, and maybe a picture of her?

Host: (sighing) Rondo, in Tarrant, you’re on the air.

Rondo: Yeah, you tell Jim to get the holy name of Alabama out’n his mouth. If hear him say anything about Alabama again like what he did a minute ago, I’m’a give him a Rondo-style country-boy ass-whuppin. You tell Jim he orta be careful where he goes at night, ‘cause Rondo’s waitin’.

Host: I’ll pass that along, Rondo. Paul, you’re up next.

Paul:

Host: Paul? Yo, Paul? For the billionth time, you moron, THERE'S A DELAY! TURN YOUR FREAKIN’ RADIO DOWN!

(c) 2012 John Puckett