Man-Rule: Don't Call in to Sports-Talk Radio Shows, Part I

If you’re like me (and if you want to be a Man, you should be), you enjoy listening to sports-talk radio shows. These shows provide news, insights and opinions on all things sports, and are an important way to keep your “finger on the pulse” of the average sports fan, who I sincerely hope is clinically brain-dead, because he makes no sense whatsoever when he calls in to the sports-talk show.

I often wonder how the hosts of sports-talk radio programs make it through their shows without drinking huge quantities of alcohol, because on a daily basis they have to deal with guys who call into their station with apparently no other goal than to win the coveted Dumbest Male in the History of the Universe award. No self-respecting Man would willingly put himself in this category.

Let me give you some examples. Just this morning, during my 45-minute commute in to work, I heard guys call in to a local sports-talk show and say the following eye-whoppingly stupid things:

“As a society, we’re closing a blind eye to this problem.”

“It don’t take a rocket surgeon to figure this out.”

“I want to help my kids get a foot up on life.”

“I’ve been efforting to call you guys all morning long.”

And that’s just the tip of the Titanic. At least once an hour a guy will call in who doesn’t understand the concept of a “delay” in radio. As anyone with the common sense of a turnip knows, most radio stations today have a five- to 10-second delay over what they broadcast; this lets them “dump” any bad language or other stuff before it goes on the air. So a guy will call in while he’s also listening to the show on the radio, and he sounds like a complete moron:

Host: And now let’s go to Paul in Hoover. You’re on the air, Paul.

Paul:

Host: Paul? You there, Paul?

 Paul: (still says nothing; in the background, you can hear the host’s voice coming over Paul’s radio, saying, “And now let’s go to Paul in Hoover.”)

Host: Paul, you have to turn your radio down –

Paul: Hey, is this me? Am I on the air?

Host: Paul, don’t listen to your radio; turn it down and –

Paul: (in background: “Paul, you have to turn your radio down”) Hey, if y’all can hear me, they’s something wrong with your station; my words ain’t comin’ out.

Host: Paul, TURN YOUR RADIO –

Paul: Can y’all hear me now? (Aside: Earl, is the radio broken or somethin’? Why cain’t they hear me?)

Host: Thank you for your call, Paul.

NEXT TIME: Guys who apparently WANT to talk on the radio, but get stage fright. That, or they're just incredibly stupid. It's hard to tell.

(c) 2012 John Puckett