Man-Rule: Don't Challenge People Famous for Their Strength to a Strongman Contest

Remember the song by Jim Croce, “You Don’t Mess Around with Jim”? In that song, Croce outlined some of the things you should never do, including:

• You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
• You don’t spit into the wind
• You don’t pull the mask off the Lone Ranger
• You don’t eat sushi you bought at a gas station
• You don’t volunteer for a work project

And other various and sundry things. Croce wasn’t around when the Disney movie Beauty and the Beast was made, but if he had been, he probably would’ve added another line to his song:

• You don’t challenge Gaston to a pushup contest unless (spoiler alert!) Gaston has already fallen off the top of the Beast’s castle and is already dead.

Unfortunately, a young fellow who was visiting DisneyWorld recently didn’t get that news bulletin. (He probably also didn’t see the important note about not visiting DisneyWorld unless you have enough disposable income to purchase a small Western European country, because it is NOT cheap to go to the Happiest Place on Earth.)

The young guy, who probably had visions of impressing his girlfriend, decided to challenge Gaston. Now, for those of you who haven’t seen the famous documentary film Beauty and the Beast, I should tell you that Gaston is famous for his size, his muscles, his strength, and his complete inability to understand anything above a second-grade reading level.

So obviously, if you’re going to issue a challenge to Gaston, it should be more along the lines of “I bet I can solve this equation using Cantor’s Theorem before you can.” It should NOT be “I bet I can do more pushups than you.”

Unfortunately, the guy hadn’t read this Man-Rule before going to DisneyWorld. And so he challenged Gaston to a pushup contest. Which didn’t go well.

The good news is, the guy enjoyed the rest of his day at DisneyWorld despite being humiliated in front of God and everybody. The bad news is, not only was he humiliated THERE, the video was uploaded to YouTube, where it’s been viewed roughly 38 billion times. Every person on the planet, including several fetuses, has watched this video at least six times. It’s the Gangnam Style video of 2015.

So once again we see the tragic results of a young person who ignores the sage advice of The Man Rules. We’re starting to feel pretty useless around here; NOBODY seems to be paying attention to us.

 It’s almost like we’re just spitting into the wind.

(c) 2015 John Puckett

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*IMPORTANT TIP: Challenge Gaston after he's fallen off the Beast's castle and is dead.