Sometimes, though, living in Alabama can be just the opposite of good (by which we mean "bad"). As an example, you should know that of the four types of poisonous snakes in North America -- rattlesnakes, copperheads, cottonmouths and coral snakes -- we have all four within our state's borders.
By exercising some common sense and following some simple rules, you usually can avoid meeting any of the dangerous Alabama snakes. For example, you shouldn't put your foot near a fallen log in the woods, or go near the state capitol when the legislature is in session. Any schoolchild in Alabama can tell you these common-sense strategies to avoid the reptiles.
But there are times when snakes show up in places they shouldn't ... for example, the startling sight (to me, anyway) of seeing a snake slithering down I-65 at rush hour. This is an examination of another one of those times.
Reporter Ana Rodriguez recently wrote a story for al.com about a snake found in a construction-company toilet in Hueytown. This was particularly suprising, because Hueytown isn't near any woods OR the state capitol, so nobody expected to see a snake there, much less a snake in a toilet. Naturally, photos of the snake, the toilet, and the police officer who got the snake out of the toilet (and regardless of how much she's being paid, it isn't enough) were included with the story:
I don't know about you, but if I saw something in my bathroom that looked like that photo on the left, I would immediately get on a spaceship and nuke my toilet from orbit.
The snake was identified as a copperhead, which, as its name implies, has a head made out of nickel. No, actually, it's called a copperhead because of the distinctive pattern on its back, which closely resembles the profile of Abraham Lincoln, the 78th President, which is featured on the penny coin, which isn't even made of copper any more, and so nobody really knows why the snake is called the copperhead.
At any rate, the crack investigative staff of al.com (also known as "14 readers who have nothing better to do with their lives than argue about stuff on al.com") immediately began arguing that the snake was not, in fact, a copperhead. A follow-up story posted the next day featured some good-natured debate about the snake's identity ("I think it's Pat Buchanan") and included quotes from Hueytown Police Chief Chuck Hagler, who said, "I don't know who claimed Lincoln was the 78th President, but they were dead wrong. The 78th President was Millard Fillmore."
As usual when the authorities don't want you to focus on the important facts, they've allowed this debate to cloud the main issue -- namely, what in the world was a snake doing in a toilet? And why did reporter Ana Rodriguez write, in the follow-up story, "When Officer Ali Thompson arrived, she had no choice but to dive in"? In civilized countries, people are usually beaten for such terrible puns.
I'm also a bit curious about the bottles of cleaning products on the floor in the photo on the left. I can imagine the receptionist going into the bathroom, seeing the snake in the potty, and thinking to herself, "Now let's see ... that's either a copperhead or Pat Buchanan dangling over the seat of the toilet. If the guys from Duck Dynasty were here, what would they do? Oh, I know -- they'd fling a bottle of Mr. Clean at it! And maybe some Mop-N-Glo for good measure!"
So the mystery of why the snake was in the toilet, and how it got there, may never be solved. And that's a shame, because if we could figure that out, maybe we could come up with a way to make sure it never happened again. As it is, we're forced to conclude that another snake -- a copperhead, or a cottonmouth, or an Alabama politician -- could show up in any toilet in the world. Maybe even yours.
Try not to think about that when you get up at 2 a.m. and stumble to the bathroom to relieve yourself. In the dark.
As for me, I'm never going to pee or poop again. At least not in Hueytown.
(c) 2014 John Puckett
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