In case of nuclear war, get to Gwendolyn Ward Osbourne Chapman's house immediately

I don't know if you've ever been to Jackson, Mississippi. It's a nice place - lots of Old South charm, friendly people, laid-back atmosphere. You might go there and think "Maybe I should move here."

You would be insane.

Now, I've got nothing against Jackson, but their recent mayoral race made me realize that the levels of crazy in their drinking water must be off the charts.

It wasn't the election itself that was bad; I mean, there were no hanging chads or lawsuits or anything Florida-like. Of course, not many things rise to the level of crazy you see in Florida elections, so that's not saying much.

No, it was one particular candidate for mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, that caught my eye: Gwendolyn Ward Osbourne Chapman. Gwendolyn ran one of the more interesting campaigns in recent memory, when she told Jackson voters via a local television station that all their problems could be solved with hemp.

Here's a transcript of her 90-second platform speech, which I swear on the grave of James Thurber I am not making up:

"Good day. My name is Gwendolyn Ward Osbourne Chapman, mayor candidate. My motto is "Move the Change Forward, to a One Love." My platform is to build and maintain a strong economic foundation for the purpose of familyhood and unity to be created in our collective work and responsibility toward knowledge, wisdom and love.

"The reason why I know I'm the best candidate for this mayortorial race is  - well, I'll let you all decide that at the polls - is because I have a perfect financial, economic plan. The United States spends over a trillion dollars a year on products made of industrial hemp. Mississippi is an agricultural state. We have the constitutional right to take that same product that the United States spends over in China, United Kingdom and other countries. We can use that money.

"So when you go to the polls and vote, vote Gwen Ward Osbourne Chapman because the cannabis is made of cotton, corn. It's made of petroleum. It's made of all that you can name of, and then the important thing about it is if there was to be a nuclear warfare, this plant would dissolve radiation ... and repel it.

"Vote Gwen Ward Osbourne Chapman for mayor and let's rise from the bottom to the top. Thank you."

Of course, the printed word can only convey so much. You really ought to see the speech on video to appreciate its brilliance:

I know you're thinking: "Wow! There's a candidate with a refreshingly clear vision for the future! I need to move to Jackson, Mississippi right now so I can vote for her!" Unfortunately, you're too late; the election was April 8. And Gwendolyn didn't win. I hope this doesn't shock you.

Here's what's scary, though: Gwendolyn got 43 votes. Yes! Assuming she voted for herself (which is not necessarily a safe assumption), 42 other people in Jackson, Mississippi went to the polls on April 8 and said "By golly, our city needs a leader who advocates the use of marijuana to dissolve and repel nuclear fallout, and there's only one of the 13 candidates who is even CONSIDERING this possibility!"

So Gwendolyn didn't win, although there are at least a few dozen people in Jackson who thought she should've. But I haven't told you the best part yet: Of the 13 candidates, Gwendolyn tied for eighth in the race. Four other candidates got FEWER VOTES THAN SHE DID.

Stop and think about that. If you're one of those four candidates, how depressed must you be right now? Not only did you not win the race, you finished behind a woman who said, on television, that the U.S. spends more than a trillion dollars a year on hemp. No wonder my taxes are so high! (Rim shot.)

So I'm glad Gwendolyn Ward Osbourne Chapman ran for mayor of Jackson, because her campaign tickled me more in the past few days than I deserved. On the other hand, though, I sort of wish she had won, because I would have driven over to her inauguration gala.

You just know the Doobie Brothers would have been the featured band.

(c) 2014 John Puckett