You know, I'm usually in favor of labor-saving devices. The lawn mower, for example. Just think how terrible it would be if we had to cut our grass with scissors.
Or the TV remote. My poor 11-year-old son would walk his feet off if he had to get up every time he wanted to change the channel. He can watch three television shows simultaneously, just by flipping from one to another whenever something boring is happening, such as a commercial or when characters on a show are merely talking (as opposed to blowing something up). He's either highly evolved, or he has the attention span of a gnat.
But it's possible to take these labor-saving devices too far, and I think we've reached that point now with the introduction of The Clap-Off Bra.
Yes, you heard me correctly. Somebody has designed a bra that will remove itself when you clap your hands.
"But John," you're no doubt asking, "why would a woman want such a thing? What if somebody claps their hands at an inopportune moment? Does her bra just fall off at that point? If she's making a presentation at work, and it goes well, does she end it by saying to her audience of high-powered executives 'Thank you for your time, and whatever you do DON'T CLAP FOR ME!'"
I don't have an answer for your question, although my advice to the woman would be "Tell your audience to express their approval as the beatniks did in the 60s during poetry recitals, by snapping their fingers and saying 'Groovy, man.'"
I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that this bra was not designed by a woman. No, it was designed by a guy, Randy Sarafan, who according to a Huffington Post article on the clap-off bra was "inspired by the high-tech bras he'd heard about in Syria."
Yes. Syria. I don't know about you, but when I think about high-tech underwear, Syria is the first country that comes to mind.
Who would WANT high-tech underwear, anyway? I'd be a bit concerned to have something with electrodes and thingamajiggies and sensors and whatnot anywhere near my areas of personal interest.
Anyway, it got me thinking: Randy Sarafan has obviously created something that no woman is going to want. But! If he's going to focus on this clapping technology, why not use it to design something women WOULD want? Like:
- A Clap-Off Jerk Repellant: Cleverly hidden in her bra, this spring-powered boxing glove shoots out at speeds upwards of 300 miles an hour when a guy at the bar just won't stop hitting on her.
- A Clap-Off Husband Motivator: With a simple clap of her hands, a wife can finally get her husband to take out the trash when he's supposed to. The hand-clap extends a 600-volt cattle prod from her sleeve, which she can apply to whatever portion of her husband's anatomy she chooses to get him up and moving. This would also work to get him to stop snoring.
- A Clap-Off Self-Image Enhancer: Whenever a woman saw a supermodel, the Clap-Off Self-Image Enhancer (or COSIE) would spring into action; a quick clap would force the supermodel to gain 40 pounds, deal with bratty children and a lazy husband, constantly come up with new ideas for supper after working ten hours every day, and spend the entire weekend washing 12 loads of laundry because apparently nobody else in the house can figure out the advanced mechanics of a washing machine.
- A Clap-Off Stupidity Eliminator: This handy device would launch a small dart filled with a powerful tranquilizer, which would put Randy Sarafan to sleep anytime he has another brilliant design idea for women's underwear.
Newsflash!
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(c) 2013 John Puckett
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