The first-ever Deathmatch Showdown between two countries here at The Man Rules has ended! It was a nip-and-tuck affair, if by "nip-and-tuck" you mean "one country completely blew out the other one."
No, it wasn't exactly a battle for the ages; in fact, it was over pretty quickly. The United Kingdom flexed its mighty muscles and sent the Canadian contingent packing. By day 3, the UK folks could have completely stopped visiting this site, and they STILL would have won. I don't know if Canada declared an Internet-free holiday last week, or if everybody was on spring break up there (do they even have spring?), but last week was one of the lowest weeks of visitation by Canadians to The Man Rules EVER. Maybe they all got held up by red tape at the border or something.
The UK boasted 428 different people stopping by last week, while Canada mustered a paltry 281. And 42 of those visitors came on the last day, obviously a late push in an effort to beat the deadline. Canadians are masters of the "do my homework on the bus on the way to school" approach to planning. During one ignominious day, Canadian visitors were outnumbered by visitors from Finland. If you can imagine.
As noted in the rules of the Deathmatch Showdown, I must now mock the Canadians unmercifully. Those of you with squeamish stomachs, or with youngsters in the room, are advised to look away or visit a less objectionable site, such as Nickelodeon or the last page of the Internet.
Here we go:
Yo, Canada! You suck! You wanna know how bad? You let ENGLAND beat you!
I probably should have made this site more appealing to you Canadians, by posting, I don't know, pictures of nude moose or something, but I honestly thought you'd be able to overcome your baser desires for this contest. Obviously I was wrong.
I tried to do some research on Canada yesterday in preparation for this post, but - and this is the truth - the first three times I typed "Canada" into Google, my computer locked up and eventually went into power-saving mode. That's right: Canada is so boring it put my COMPUTER to sleep.
Eventually I was able to get to the official website of the Canadian Tourism Commission, a group whose job it is to make Canada look appealing so people will voluntarily go there. Their official motto for Canada is "Keep Exploring," because that sounded better than the original version, which was "Keep Exploring - At Some Point You'll Find Something Interesting in Canada, and When You Do Would You Let Us Know, Please?"
They have several nice photos on the tourism site featuring trees, and people, and a bear, although not all in the same place. The excitement just never stops for our Neighbors to the North!
Canadians, thank you for participating in, and failing miserably at, the first Deathmatch Showdown. You're now free to resume your rigorous schedule of ice-fishing, curling, and taking pictures of tress.
(c) 2013 John Puckett
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