Man-Rule: Don't Wear Big Belt Buckles (Unless You're a Cowboy)

For a long time, guys didn’t try to dress like cowboys. Kids did – they watched cowboy shows like The Lone Ranger, Gunsmoke, Lost in Space, Gilligan’s Island, and other Westerns and emulated the heroes they saw on the screen. They dressed in cowboy pajamas and wore four-gallon hats (because the ten-gallon hats were too big for them) and real leather gun holsters made out of plastic and in general did everything they could to look like a cowboy. Men tended to dress like the guy in Father Knows Best, wearing suits with narrow ties everywhere, even when they were doing yard work at home or sleeping at night. It was a simpler time.

At some point, though, guys began trying to dress like cowboys. I’m not exactly sure when this happened, but I think it started when the movie Urban Cowboy came out. Urban Cowboy took place in the major world center of fashion and haute couture (French for “hot culture”): Houston, Texas. It told the story of a young rough-and-tumble cowboy, played by John Travolta (which is who naturally springs to mind when you think of a rough, tough cowboy), who moves to the big city so he can influence the fashion world, showcase his dancing ability, and ride a mechanical bull in a bar. Ultimately he falls in love with a fiery, independent woman named Sissy (which is the PERFECT name for a fiery, independent woman, don't you think?), and despite their bickering they end the movie by using the Force to blow up the Death Star together.

Hang on, that’s not right … two pages of my “Hollywood Blockbusters Plot Synopses” book got stuck together. Sorry about that. Actually John Travolta winds up marrying Sissy in the same bar that has the mechanical bull. Their storybook romance takes a turn for the worse when Sissy begins seeing another man to teach her to ride the mechanical bull (which sounds like it ought to be a euphemism for sex, but it actually isn't), but in the end everything works out just fine and the Death Star is blown up after all.

At any rate, the movie spawned a ton of interest in cowboys and their way of life, despite the fact that real cowboys wouldn’t be caught dead doing or saying most of the things shown in the film. It also showed John Travolta wearing a belt buckle roughly the size and shape of a dinner plate.

The ironic thing is, when cowboys are actually working, they’re usually riding horses, and a big belt buckle is not something you want on your person if you’re male and riding a horse. Not to get too graphic here, but pinching is a very real danger, especially when you factor in the pommel on a saddle and what could get caught between it and a big belt buckle.

Nevertheless, because Paris, London, New York and the rest of the fashion world looks to Houston to set trends, dressing like a cowboy became very popular in the early 1980s, and certain aspects of that have continued into the present.

To be fair, not every guy who wants to dress like a cowboy goes the big-belt-buckle route. The problem is, those who do go for big buckles tend to overcompensate. Here’s an example:

Ignore for the time being the tie-dyed pink and purple shirt (with matching pink buttons), because I’ve stared at it for more than 10 minutes and I STILL can’t figure out what to say about it. So let’s focus on the belt buckle. Unless you’re trying to deflect bullets, what’s the purpose of having a belt buckle that big? How in the world do you go to the bathroom with that thing on? The guy can’t reach his fly to unzip it. I imagine something as simple as sitting down requires some advance planning, as well. No Man wants to have to create a flowchart just to figure out the steps involved in taking a seat. 

Other things not to wear unless you’re a cowboy:
• Cowboy hat
• Chaps
• Ripped jeans
• Lariat (although this is acceptable to wear if you’re a porn star, and you need it for your job)

Bottom line: If your belt buckle causes someone to think you're trying to be John Travolta, it's too big.

Edit, Update and Newsflash (7/15/13):

This Man-Rule, and 49 others (many of which haven't been published elsewhere!), are available in the newly published e-book The Man Rules. Don't be the last on your block to own this soon-to-be international bestseller! Act now, quantities are limited! To preview the book (and possibly buy! Buying is good!), just click here.

(c) 2013 John Puckett