Man-Rule: No Tattoos

Let me state up front I realize this Man-Rule isn't going to be very popular. Believe me, I wish I didn't have to tell you. Nevertheless, it has to be said: Real Men don’t have tattoos.

There are two major exceptions to this Rule – first, if you served in the military, it doesn’t apply to you. Frankly, I wanted to include “Serve in the military” as one of the Man Rules, but then I realized there are a metric buttload of goofballs out there, me included, who would set our national defense back 100 years if we tried to join a branch of the armed services, so in the interest of our country’s security that Rule got chunked. If you serve now, or have in the past, thank you – you’re a real Man. Unless you’re a woman.

Second, if you’re a member of a culture that has practiced tattooing for generations, like the Maori of New Zealand, the Ainu of Japan, or the Rednecks of NASCAR, you get a pass on tattoos as well.

Now, on to the rest of you, and your whining about wanting to get a tattoo. The encyclopedia says “A tattoo is a form of body modification, made by inserting indelible ink into the skin to make the wearer look even more ridiculous than he did before he got the tattoo in the first place.” Let me put it another way: Nobody is impressed by your tattoo. They might wonder why in the world you basically got 1,500 shots just so you could have a badly drawn picture of a skull on your arm, but don’t confuse that with respect.

Tattoos don’t make you manly. Remember Mike Tyson? Remember how he was the most feared boxer of all time for a while? Remember how he knocked out Michael Spinks in 91 seconds to win a heavyweight boxing title? And then remember how he got his face (his face!) tattooed, and after that he only won one fight the rest of his career? That can’t be a coincidence.

Another problem with tattoos is that when you get tattooed, you’re depending on the artistic abilities of a man named “Snake” or “Red Dog” to put a permanent picture on your body. And if you’re like most of us, one body is all you have, so if it gets messed up, you’re stuck with it. This isn’t like buying a sketch or a painting and hanging it on the wall of your house; at least with those, if you don’t like them, you can take them down and use them to start a fire. Believe me when I tell you: It’s difficult to start a fire with a tattoo. And it’s ALWAYS THERE, on your body. Unless, of course, you pay to have someone use a laser to remove it, in which case you’re automatically too stupid to be a Man, because at that point you’ve voluntarily spent a lot of money to have someone give you a whole bunch of shots to put a picture ON your body, and then you’ve spent hundreds or thousands of dollars to have someone ELSE use a freakin’ LASER BEAM to BURN THAT SAME PICTURE OFF.

Below are just some of the many examples of what can happen when you ask Snake to put a picture on your body:
 

In addition to bad artwork, you also run the risk of Red Dog not knowing how to spell. Let’s face it – there aren’t many Rhodes Scholars working as tattoo artists these days. So you might wind up with something like this:

“Whatever,” you say. “I’ll get one of those cool tattoos in Sanskrit or Japanese or something like that. They look great!”

If Red Dog can’t spell in English, what makes you think he’ll do better in Sanskrit? Here are just a few examples of tattoo screw-ups that are now permanently decorating the bodies of famous celebrities:

• Soccer star David Beckham had his wife’s name, Victoria, written on his forearm in, you guessed it, Sanskrit. The letters actually spell out “Vihctoria.” I’m sure that makes her feel great; either her husband doesn’t know how to spell her name, or he’s stupid enough to pay somebody else to misspell her name permanently in a prominent location on his body.

• Britney Spears, who is normally so mature and level-headed, has long been recognized along with Madonna as a leading expert on Kabbalah, a school of thought usually associated with esoteric aspects of Rabbinic Judaism, which is why it was so strange that when she had the words “New Era” tattooed on her neck in Hebrew, the letters actually spelled out “No Talent.”

• Hayden Panettiere wanted the phrase “Live without regret” spelled out in Italian on her back (“Vivere senza rimpianti”). In her tattoo, the word “rimpianti” is spelled “rimipianti,” which actually makes the phrase mean “Live without pooting.” This is an admirable goal, but not one I think Hayden can achieve. She may be cute as a button, but she still has gas like the rest of us.*

*Note: I don’t have personal knowledge of Hayden Panattiere’s bodily functions; if you’re a lawyer for Hayden Panettiere and you feel I have libeled her by this statement regarding her gaseous emissions, please contact Blogger. Frankly, I would be willing to pay the damages, just to listen to the testimony during that trial.

• Singing sensation Rihanna wanted the phrase “Forgiveness, honesty, suppression and control” tattooed on her hips in Sanskrit. As you probably guessed, the tattoo is spelled wrong; it actually says “Vihctoria.”

So the facts speak for themselves - real Men don't have tattoos. We don't poot, either - just ask Mr. Cool Ice - but that's a Rule for another day.

Editor's Note (6/22/14) : Important new information has come to light regarding this Man-Rule; please click here for more. 

Edit, Update and Newsflash (7/15/13):

This Man-Rule, and 49 others (many of which haven't been published elsewhere!), are available in the newly published e-book The Man Rules. Don't be the last on your block to own this soon-to-be international bestseller! Act now, quantities are limited! To preview the book (and possibly buy! Buying is good!), just click here.

(c) 2012 John Puckett