When, o WHEN will the authorities and/or Al Gore do SOMETHING about the rising tide of violence in today’s society?
I’m speaking, of course, about the rampant rage issues at DisneyWorld.
Don’t get me wrong; I love DisneyWorld. My family and I go there on a regular basis. Any time I want all of my money sucked from my wallet and I don’t have access to a vacuum cleaner, DisneyWorld is the next-best thing.
Plus everyone there is just so darn cheerful. All the workers seem to be happy, except probably for the ones having to wear those heavy character costumes in the Florida heat. I bet the inside of those costumes smell great. I bet there’s fights over which Disney worker has to put on the Goofy suit after Fat Harold’s shift.
Anyway, DisneyWorld has always been a happy place for me, which is why the recent rage issues there have really bummed me out.
For example, recently an Alabama woman was arrested on suspicion that she beat and choked another woman who was let ahead of her in line to ride the Throw-Up Cups (which is the actual name of the ride called, for public-relations reasons, the “Mad Tea Party”). On this ride, you sit in big tea cups and spin around. All the cups spin on a big circular base, but each cup can spin on its own, too, so there are multiple directions in which your barf will travel.
Anyway, apparently the Alabama woman was in line, and another lady and her children were let in line ahead of her. So of course the Alabama woman had no choice but to beat and choke the lady.
This raises several questions in my mind:
1) There was a LINE for this ride? Why? All the ride does is make you dizzy and want to throw up. That’s what the prices and the food at DisneyWorld are for. Five dollars for a hotdog that Junior is just gonna hork up later? That makes ME sick.
2) A woman was going to take her CHILDREN on this ride? That was her first mistake, right there – taking her kids to DisneyWorld. It’s not possible to have fun with kids at DisneyWorld. Frankly, it’s not possible to have fun with kids anywhere. Trust me on this; I have five kids. I know. Whenever they ask to go someplace, I channel Jack Handy and tell them the place burned down, because I know I won’t have fun if we actually go there. “Dad, can we go to DisneyWorld?” “It burned down.” “How about the beach?” “Burned down.” “Swimming pool?” “Burned.”
3) Why in the world did the line-breaking lady get in front of an Alabama woman? Alabama women are not typical Southern women. They’re vicious, and mean, and not afraid to fight dirty. (And they’re lovely! And kind! And I love them all, because they’re special and delicate flowers! Please don’t hurt me, ladies!) Alabama women know all the pressure points in the human body, and they’re not afraid to exploit them. In a fight between The Incredible Hulk and an Alabama woman, the smart money is on the Alabama woman.
4) Why was the Alabama woman so desperate to get on this ride in the first place? If I’d been there, I would have been letting people in front of me in line left and right. (“Sure, go right ahead. It’s not a fun ride anyway. It burned down, you know.”) Although, if I’d been there, and was letting people break in line ahead of me, I might have been beaten up by the Alabama woman, so maybe that’s for the best.
Sadly, this was just the latest in a series of violent events at DisneyWorld.
A German couple was attacked in May at their hotel, but that was smoothed over when their attacker realized the couple wasn’t French. Upon learning they were German, he apologized and gave them some of his own money, along with a large chunk of Poland. And every day at DisneyWorld (Disney folks HATE for this information to get out, but I believe you have a right to know), hundreds of innocent ankles and heels are attacked by stroller wheels.
So it’s obvious to me that DisneyWorld needs to beef up their security efforts. Fortunately, I’m here to help them with their problem, and after about ten minutes of thought in the bathroom, I’ve come to the perfect solution: Disney should hire Alabama women to be security guards. Problem solved!
Naturally, I’ll expect a hefty consulting fee for my time and expertise. Ideally, I’d like to get at least $100,000 for my trouble, because I’m planning another trip to DisneyWorld in a few weeks, and I’ll need that money for the down-payment. If the Disney folks would consider upping my fee to $200,000, I might even bring my kids.
Assuming DisneyWorld doesn’t burn down again before we go.
(c) 2012 John Puckett
No comments:
Post a Comment