Man-Rule: Spend Your Money Wisely

So Nike has come out with a new LeBron James shoe, the LeBron X, which will surely make the poor suckers who bought the LeBron I – IX versions feel like chumps for wasting their money.

The LeBron X is going to be the ultimate, the pinnacle, the bestest and most wonderfullest sneaker in the history of the known cosmos. At least, it better be, because it will cost $270.

Yes. You read that right. Two hundred and seventy dollars. And the shoeLACES aren’t even included.

No, I’m kidding about the shoelaces. But the shoe itself really does cost that much, because it’s chock-full of high-tech thingamajiggers. For example, according to Nike, the shoe will “allow the owner to track quickness, vertical leap and explosiveness, with sensors relaying the information.”

That’s right – these shoes are computerized. This is the end result of thousands of years of human evolution – now our shoes are going to tell us how high we can jump.

Something tells me if I bought a pair of LeBron X shoes, that particular pair would be mocked by all the other pairs of LeBron X shoes in the world.

“Hey, John Puckett’s pair!” they’ll call, using their onboard satellite telephone hookup (because you just KNOW these shoes will also come with that). “How high did he jump today when he tried to dunk?”

And my pair will scuff its toes shamefully on the carpet and mumble, “Four inches.”

“FOUR INCHES?!” the other shoes will howl. “That’s IT?! How long did it take him to run down the court after he missed the backboard completely with his jump shot?”

My pair will sit in red-faced silence.

“Hel-LO?! What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

“Okay, fine! Two minutes, okay? He’s not the best athlete in the world.”

And LeBron X shoes the world over will laugh themselves into a coma, using their shoelaces to point with derision at my pair.

So I won’t be buying a pair of LeBron X shoes. Not because of the potential ridicule from other shoes, but because spending $270 for ANYTHING violates a personal measuring stick for me.

See, I’m a middle-aged guy. I got my first apartment in 1988, right after I graduated college. It was a nice little place – bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, a small living room/den. It cost me $247 a month.

I know the cost of rent has gone up a lot since then, but that $247 got stuck in my brain, and it’s remained my personal budget for anything frivolous. If something costs more than a month’s rent for my old apartment, there’s almost no chance I’ll buy it. If I’m even considering something that expensive, a little warning bell goes off in my head, and I think, “I could live in an apartment for a month for what this thing will cost me.” And 99 times out of 100, I don’t buy whatever it is I’m looking at.

I’ll tell you one thing: If Nike and LeBron James ever come out with a line of underwear, you can bet your bottom dollar I won’t be buying THAT, regardless of the cost. No WAY am I going to listen to other pairs of underwear sniggering to themselves when they see me. “Check it out – that’s the four-inch guy.” And I’ll feel my underwear cringing in shame, because it knows they’re not talking about my vertical.

(c) 2012 John Puckett