Man-Rule: Don't Mess Around with Snakes

You don’t expect to see “Venomous snakes for sale” in your local newspaper very often.

Okay, maybe YOU do, if you live in Snakeland, and snakes are what you use for money or something. Where I live, though, we usually try to avoid snakes, especially poisonous ones. Our attitude is something like Samuel L. Jackson’s in the famous documentary movie Snakes on a Plane: “I’m tired of these (Very Bad Word) snakes in my (Very Bad Word) state!”

Because for most of us, it’s not enough to keep snakes away from our home, or our neighborhood, or our city, or our county. No, we want snakes completely out of our state. We want our state to be like Ireland, except with barbecue.

The problem is, I live in a state (Alabama) that has EVERY SINGLE ONE of the four types of dangerous snakes in the U.S.: live ones, dead ones, big ones and little ones.

No, seriously, the four types are rattlesnake, cottonmouth, coral snake and copperhead (so named because it has a design on its back that looks just like Abraham Lincoln’s profile on the penny).

These four snakes make up the Axis of Evil on our continent, and most people with at least half a brain (along with over 30 percent of our state politicians) avoid them whenever possible. We even have school programs to help kids identify the dangerous snakes, in which an old man and his wife bring a variety of snakes to the school in cages and then show the snakes to the schoolkids. This will let you know how stupid we are in this state when it comes to dangerous snakes – we want to AVOID them, so we pay a man to actually BRING THEM CLOSE TO KIDS.

These programs also outline the Three Basic Steps to Avoid Getting Bitten:
1) If you see a snake, run.
2) Don’t stop to look more closely at it. Just run.
3) Scream like a girl while you’re running, even if you are, in fact, a Manly Man.

So we don’t like snakes in Alabama, and that’s why it amazed me to read the story in the paper about two guys who were importing MORE venomous snakes into the state and selling them over the Internet.

The story, written by Thomas Spencer, said officers from the Alabama Department of Conservation and Natural Resources (ADCNR) arrested two men who were “buying and selling highly venomous non-native snakes”. The officers found 13 rattlesnakes, including two from Venezuela. That’s right – they have rattlesnakes in Venezuela. Officers said the two Venezuelan snakes “curled protectively around some cans of oil and bore a striking resemblance to Hugo Chavez.”

No, I’m just kidding about that last part. But the story was quite alarming, even without Chavez-look-alike rattlesnakes. According to Spencer’s story (and you just KNOW his mother is proud of him, don’t you? “My son writes for The Birmingham News. He covers the snake beat.” Which, if true, means that whatever they’re paying the guy, it ain’t near enough), one of the snakes was the Mojave rattlesnake, which has the most dangerous venom of any rattlesnake in North America.

So, basically, these two morons were not happy with the selection of venomous snakes we have locally in Alabama; no, they were actively seeking out other kinds of deadly snakes to bring here, so they could sell them to OTHER morons. Because if there’s one thing we need more of in Alabama, it’s poisonous snakes. Why, just the other day I was remarking to my lovely and talented wife, Kristin, “My dear, I haven’t seen a good Mojave rattlesnake in many years. I wish we had one locally we could purchase for the kids to play with.”

Which raises another question: Is there really a MARKET for these things? I mean, I could understand paying somebody to get RID of the snakes, but why would you want to give up your hard-earned money to bring them closer to you? And is a snake worth more if it can kill you with one bite? “Naw, you don’t want that little coral snake there. That thing would have to chew on you for a good five minutes to kill you. Now, THIS baby over here, all it’s gotta do is lick you with its tongue, and you’ll keel over deader’n a doornail. ‘Course, it costs a lot more, but it’s worth it.”

I’m assuming the people who buy these things aren’t married, either. I can’t imagine striding through the door of my house with a big smile on my face, exclaiming, “Honey, you know how I was stumped on what to get you for our anniversary? Well, GUESS WHAT!”

Thanks to the foresight of the Alabama Department of Conservation and Natural Resources, it’s illegal to sell or trade non-indigenous poisonous snakes without a permit. (“Earl, I’ll trade you my king cobra for your motorcycle.” “Can’t do it, Ralph. That’s illegal.” “It’s a'ight, I got me a permit.”) And in the News story, Allan Andress of the ADCNR said his department is always on the lookout for illegal trade in “newspapers, trade journals, the Internet and tips from the public.”

So apparently there are trade journals for selling poisonous snakes. Talk about a specialty market. I bet the fold-out centerfolds in those things are a sight to behold. “Check out the scalesssss on Missssss Sssseptember!”

Maybe Thomas Spencer writes for the trade journals. He could make a killing.

 

(c) 2012 John Puckett