When I was growing up, back in the Stone Age, women had pierced ears, and that was it. I can remember when I was in high school and I saw a girl with double-pierced ears, and I thought, “Whoa, now she’s a rebel.”
Nowadays, women have piercings in places that I would have KILLED to see when I was in high school. I think it started with their bellybuttons, and just took off from there. Some of these piercings have to hurt like the devil, but I guess it’s their body, and if they want to drill holes in it and then wear metal dangly things in it, it’s their choice.
Men, though, don’t have piercings. Not in their ears, not in their eyebrows, not in their noses, not in their tongues, and not in other places that you’d probably think I was kidding about if I mentioned them but I assure you I’m not.
When you boil it down (and you should, for sanitary reasons), a piercing is just a decoration. It’s a way of saying, “Hey, look at me and what I stuck into my body!” That’s fine for women to have that attitude, but Men need to think about all the ramifications and possible outcomes of their actions.
Consider, for example, if you get a metal stud put into your eyebrow or, worse yet, your tongue. And then consider what would happen if you were walking down the street, feeling all stylish with your stupid piercing, flapping your tongue (or your eyebrow) at the pretty girls you see in a futile attempt to impress them, and while you’re distracted by this activity you accidentally bump into Magneto from the X-Men comics. Magneto, as you know, can use magnetic energy to control any metal near him, so when you bump into him he gets angry and uses his magnetic power to grab you by your metal stud and sling you into a nearby taco stand. How impressed do you think the pretty girls are going to be by that?
Or what happens if you’re on the run from a zombie horde, and a zombie grabs you by the ear? (This happens frequently in the true-life documentary series "The Walking Dead," so don't tell me it's not a likely occurrence; I've seen video proof.) If you had a Manly, non-pierced ear, the zombie's rotting fingers would simply slide right off the smooth surface of your earlobe, but if your ear was pierced he could grab on to the rough surface of the fake diamond or (even worse) shove his finger into the little metal hoop earring fastened to your flesh and yank you down. And, as you know, once a zombie gets you down, it’s all over – he’s munching on your brain before you can spit.
So is it worth your life, or being flung into a taco stand, to have a piece of metal poked into your body? If you’re a Man, you already know the answer to that question. (Hint: No.)
(c) 2012 John Puckett
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