Man-Rule: Don't Give Your Product a Stupid Name

A few weeks ago, we talked about the Man-Rule: Don't Make Annoying Ads. Today we'll examine a less-frustrating-but-still-annoying habit some manufacturers have - giving their product a stupid name.

I'm not talking about unfortunate coincidences that manufacturers couldn't have seen coming. For example, many, many years ago, when I was young and the Earth was trodden by dinosaurs, there was a low-calorie candy that was supposed to help dieters control their appetite. The manufacturer of the candy chose a name that they felt best exemplified the product's brand promise, to help people lose weight. And thus was born: Ayds Appetite Suppressant Candy.

How could they have known? By sheer dumb bad luck, they managed to create a name for their candy that within a few years sounded exactly like the most frightening sexually transmitted disease in the history of mankind: Appetite Suppressant Candy.

But as I said, that wasn't their fault. It's when manufacturers seem to INTENTIONALLY go out of their way to name their product in the most stupid way possible that it infuriates me, and incidentally violates this Man-Rule. Let me give you a couple of examples I've noticed recently.

Example #1: Here in the U.S., we recently celebrated the Fourth of July, also known as Incontinence Day. We Americans celebrate the birth of our nation by grilling large quantities of dead animals, relaxing on a lake, beach, or reasonably large mud puddle, and shooting fireworks at each other in a jovial attempt to scare the pee out of ourselves and possibly blow off a finger or two.

As you might guess from their name, fireworks are intended to be loud, brightly colored things that explode  high in the sky or, if we're lucky, close enough to our brother to make him squeal like a pig. And pee his pants.  

So naturally, fireworks manufacturers want to give their products a name that just screams LOUD! and EXCITING! and BROTHER-SCARING! Which is why I was more than a little confused one day as I approached a fireworks stand to see the name of the brand they were selling: 

Ninja.

Yes. Ninja. Now, ninjas are undoubtedly cool. But think about it - a ninja is known for sneaking around soundlessly in the dark, being very stealthy, giving no indication of their presence before they pounce, causing our brother to pee his pants. Who wants a firework that moves around silently in the dark? They already have a name for those. They're called Duds. 

On top of that, the very same day I stopped at a bookstore. (Note how culturally advanced we are in Alabama - fireworks stands AND bookstores, all within a day's drive of each other.) This was one of the newfangled bookstores that attempts to make money in every way possible except selling books, so they've turned almost the entire first floor of their two-story building into a coffee shop. The second floor is devoted to selling plush toys and t-shirts from popular television shows. The actual books themselves are stuck in a back corner on a couple of shelves. 

Anyway, there was a large sign standing on the sidewalk outside this bookstore. Advertising books? Please. You know better than that. No, this sign invited passersby to enter the bookstore and try an amazing new treat: their Frozen Hot Chocolate. 

Stop and think about that for a minute. Frozen Hot Chocolate. Why? I mean, if it's frozen, it's not HOT chocolate any more, right? When lava comes shooting out of a volcano in a fiery explosion that makes you think of ninjas, it's amazingly hot, because it's basically melted rock. But when the lava cools off and hardens, we don't call it "frozen lava," right? That would be stupid. We call it "rock." That's what real Men do - take the simple, direct approach.

So if you're a manufacturer, stop and think before you give your product a stupid name. You could be saving yourself a ton of frustration and avoiding lost sales from people who wonder what in the world you were thinking when you named your drink a "Frozen Hot Chocolate" instead of the obvious name you should have chosen: 

Ayds. 

(c) 2013 John Puckett