Man-Rule: Always Stand When a Woman Leaves or Arrives at the Table

Let me quote from Ross Bonander, Lifestyle Correspondent at AskMen.com: “A man should always stand when a lady – any lady, from his wife to his lover to a stranger – either leaves the table or returns to it, particularly if the woman in question is seated next to him. Women appreciate it, and around a tightly packed table, it makes sense to stand and give the woman more room to maneuver into her seat.”

Before we begin discussing this Rule, let me just say that you have to be careful when you apply it. The last thing you want is to be at a dinner party with your wife and arouse her suspicions by standing when another woman leaves or arrives at the table. Is that other woman a lover, or maybe even your wife? Are you some sort of two-timing philanderer who would marry more than one woman and then live a secret life unbeknownst to both of them? Is that the reason for the frequent “business trips” you take? Do you have children with your other wife? Do you love the other wife and that family more than you love her?

These are the thoughts that can run through your wife’s mind when you attempt to follow a Man Rule without proper training, and it’s for situations just such as this that you're reading this blog. Lifestyle Correspondent Ross Bonander may simply tell you “Stand up when a woman leaves or arrives at the table,” but he doesn’t consider the sticky problems that can arise when you do. You might enjoy the rest of the dinner party in blissful ignorance of the hurt feelings, turmoil and anger seething just underneath your wife’s calm demeanor, but I can guarantee you the drive home will be one you won’t soon forget. Fortunately, I’m here to guide you and help prevent a potentially dangerous argument, and you’ll be amazed at how easy it is. Ready? When you stand as a woman leaves or arrives at the table, simply lean over to your wife and whisper “I’m not married to her” or, alternatively, “I’m not having sex with her.” That will ease your wife’s mind and let you both enjoy the remainder of the dinner party.

You also have to be careful if the woman for whom you’re standing asks you why you’re doing it. You can’t just say “Lifestyle Correspondent Ross Bonander said I should.” You also shouldn’t say “I’m trying to give you more room to maneuver into your seat,” because that makes it sound like the woman is Fatty McHippo and can’t get up or sit down without the use of a crane, four pounds of Vaseline and a shoehorn. My advice in this case is to respond, “Your beauty is enhanced when I stand,” because that sounds better than “The angle you take when you leave the table forces me to look straight up your nose, and based solely on the amount of visible nostril hair it looks like you could be hiding Jimmy Hoffa in there.”

So how did this Rule come about in the first place? If it can cause so many problems and misperceptions, why do we still follow it? 

Like so many things with historical significance, the origins of this Rule can be found in history. A long, long time ago, before the National Football League was even invented, Roman emperors (called Caesars, because they all looked just like the little Pizza! Pizza! guy) would throw massive dinner parties. Roman dignitaries, foreign rulers and millionaire playboys would all convene at Caesar’s Palace to gamble  and eat. At one of these parties, Caesar Saladius accidentally spilled some hot coffee on his lap just as his wife and/or his lover approached the table, and he jumped up. The wife/lover thought Saladius was doing it for her, and the next day when she met all her Roman lady friends at the spa and/or vomitorium, she bragged to them about how gentlemanly her husband/lover was. The Roman ladies naturally all went home and gave their husbands hell about not standing up when they approached the table, and so a Rule was born. We Men are actually very lucky – the Rule could have been “Whenever a woman leaves or arrives at the table, pour hot coffee in your lap.”

Edit, Update and Newsflash (7/15/13):

This Man-Rule, and 49 others (many of which haven't been published elsewhere!), are available in the newly published e-book The Man Rules. Don't be the last on your block to own this soon-to-be international bestseller! Act now, quantities are limited! To preview the book (and possibly buy! Buying is good!), just click here.

(c) 2012 John Puckett